So anyway...instead of being adorable and cuddled up with a man for new years, I decided to drown my sorrows with alcohol with some college friends of mine. You know how after a break up you want to look absolutely somkin' hot so that in the off chance someone shows that dick your Facebook page he will instantly regret cheating on you? Well that was me. I needed the perfect dress and lots of photos needed to be taken for that off chance. I looked everywhere and found the shortest, most sparkly dress that the internet and Arden B. could find. And I must say, I was pretty damn excited to wear it...until I received it in the mail and tried it on. That shit was completely see through. I spent $80 on a dress that looked like panty hose with fucking sequins on it.
What is a girl to do when she is at home visiting on a dairy farm and needs a dress ASAP? Get back on the internet! That is when I found out that people RENT dresses for occasions like this. I thought that well, I probably am ONLY going to wear this dress once. Why not rent a dress? So I went to an amazing site called Lending Luxury that allows you to purchase or rent designer dresses for 5 days. I found this cute Aidan Mattox one shoulder sequin number and rented it for a low $50. Had I known about this site sooner, I probably wouldn't have $80 worth of sequin panty hose in my closet now.
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| Aidan Mattox retail $230 rent - $50 |
As you can see, new years seemed like this was going to be the big break I needed to move on with my life and make 2012 different. Ehhhh well, something like that. So I scooped up my child hood best friend and we head out to my old stomping grounds of Shreveport, Louisiana. We get there and my friends remind me of why I now drink classy alcohol --wine. We had shots of Jager and champagne to start of the night and I had that burning sensation in my chest that told me this was going to be bad. We try to call a taxi to take us to the club that we have a table at, but apparently getting a taxi on new years is an incredible feat. So of course we drive ourselves, but no one is drunk at this point so that is ok right?
The club is great. We dance, drink, and do a count down. Normal drunken new years. Normal until we leave. My girl friend is apparently pissed at her boyfriend. As I have this responsible personality, I drunkenly take myself to see what is the matter. Apparently boy lost girl's iPhone, $100, and I.D. I think no problem! Boy comes from rich family...this will be taken care of! Nope, boy just becomes a drunk asshole and continues to piss the already pissed girl off. *sigh* We are all drunk, the owner of the car is mad and doesn't want to drive (not that she can, she has no ID) and I am the only other person that knows there way around well enough that can.
My child hood bestie is hungry so I suggest we go to Ihop. Everyone says 'ok' so I drive our drunk asses over there. When we got there however, all hell broke loose. My guy friend from college can't stop talking about Jesus and Potatoes and my girl friend and her man and fighting. As I try to calm these people down...angry boyfriend accidentally slams my arm in the car door. My immediate reaction is to punch him, so he throws his wallet and belonging across the parking lot and walks his drunk ass off around the Louisiana Boardwalk. Is anyone else seeing the problem here??
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| You don't know how much you need a tricep until you injure it |
With my tricep bleeding and quickly swelling, I say, 'Fuck him' and go into Ihop. Let's be honest...if shit is gonna go down, I at least need to eat. BUT by the time I get my food to go, we lose the crazy drunk man. So of course we go on a man hunt, in 4 inch heels, on the damn Boardwalk. When we all reconvene, we discover that this kid is no where to be found. And as a means to calm his crying girlfriend down, my guy friend keeps going on about how Jesus loves you and Jesus loves potatoes because potatoes are fucking delicious. I wanted to kick this dude in the throat.
I drive around the downtown and can't find this guy ANYWHERE. So I decide to drive back to the apartment so I can stop hearing about Jesus' love for potatoes and call the Bossier Parish Police Department. Well of course when I do they have him AND we find out that the missing iPhone was in our friends pocket the entire time! UGH By this point it is damn near 5 am and they tell me that the kid that had no means of calling any one or identifying himself because he was a drunk idiot and threw his things across the parking lot, will not be ready to be bonded out until 7 am. So his girl friend and I take a short nap, get $330, and head over to the jail just to be told that he would not be ready until 9. Guess which bitch slept in the car because she refused to drive around any more? You would have guessed correct if you say me. Needless to say, we bail him out and everyone lived happily ever after.
I, for one, will now think twice about trying to look hot and post pictures on Facebook in case of an off chance that my ex-boyfirend will see it; because I just might have a southern belle's new year.
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