He Never Gave Up on Me

My sincerest apologies for not updating my blog this week! I left my charger 5 hours away from its counterpart! I feel like there is so much I have to catch you up on!!! Apparently slut's friend convinced her that it was in her best interest to stop commenting on my blog because it is immature. Hopefully, I can continue to freely express my opinions about the floozy and her dick of a significant other without having her all up in mines. 

I came home early this week because step-dad's hospice nurse called me into town. He lost A LOT of blood Wednesday night, so she thought it'd be best if I was here sooner than later. I got in around 5 am, and as usual, he put a smile on, told his baby girl "hi," and went back to sleep. I am glad to report that he is resting quite comfortably due to morphine and ativan in a BED; that keeps me happy. He hasn't been in a bed in a month.

Remember when I told you that I may make you cry? Well, this is probably the blog that will jerk a tear or two. These weekly visits have been taking an emotional toll on me. I knew George's health would continually decline, but I don't think I was prepared for how quickly things would happen. All he has been wanting to do is hold my hand, kiss my hand, and tell me that I am his gaurdian angel. Last week he wouldn't open my eyes to talk to me; I recognized then that I needed to tell him everything on my heart. 

With his eyes closed, he held my hand and whispered, "don't give up on me." I shed a tear and squeezed his hand back and told him, "I never will." As long as he was willing to fight, I was going to be against the ropes. We are a tag team. He promised that he'd be at my graduation, squeezed my hand tight and we both cried. Later he told me that he had some unfinished business to do. He has to be there to walk me down the aisle...to be see his grand kids. Right now, I have to believe that he will keep those promises, whether it be in the physical or in spirit. 

I wish I never had to let go

Those nights I slept in the living room with him, holding his hand, assuring him that I was by his side. Mom had his right hand and I had his left. He didn't sleep a wink. I don't know if he was trying to soak it all in or if his anxiety just got the best of him. He would wake up every five minutes and call out our names to make sure we were there. I've been feeling completely helpless at this point. I can't take away his pain. I can''t comfort him. I can't help him sleep and I can't take away his cancer. 

When he was awake, I'd read him the bible, sang him songs, and told him funny stories from school. I wanted to make sure I got ALL my time in. I was avoiding talking about death, but it was on my heart and he needed to hear it while he was coherent. So I told him what Elle Woods and I had talked about the other day. How Christian people seem to be at peace when they pass. That God would never leave you alone...he'd send someone you recognized to come and get you. That he will know when the time would be and there was no need to be scared. Thankfully, his pastors came over later and reinforced this idea. They prayed over him for several hours giving us all faith in a miracle. 

Prayers for strength and healing

Today was pretty rough for me though. I haven't seen his eyes all day and I've barely heard his voice. I just wanted him to look at me and say, "there is that beautiful smile, my baby girl." All I could do was talk to him and let him know I was there. Even grandma came in today. The nursing home brought her over so she could talk to him for a bit. I listened to the conversation up until the point of her telling him how much she loved him through her tears. I had to leave the room, get some air, and just cry.

I'm ready for all the pain to be over. I love him so so much. He NEVER had to love me because I am not his own. But he has been an amazing father to me especially when mine was being less than amazing. If God's only reason for George to be on this earth was to raise me to be a strong, God fearing woman, then he succeeded and his time here is finished. I don't tell you this story to make you sad. I want you to see that through every adversity is really a blessing. Even though George is in immense pain, he still gives God the glory and praise for the wonderful life that he has lived. I and other people around me are better because of cancer. I found out who my real friends are, I learned how strong I can be and this situation will allow me to be a better doctor.

Say prayers for my family and me as we traverse through this new journey. I won't give up on George because he never gave up on me.