Reader Request

A while back I had a reader request that I do a post on abusive relationships. I quickly agreed and then remembered that this would be a lot of me....going out there....


But I'm ready now.


Let me preface all of this by saying that sometimes violence is needed. Im joking. But not really.
Por ejemplo, sluts need the shit slapped out of them. Liars need to be punched in the face (I hate sluts and liars...but we all know that) I don't think that their significant others should do the slapping...unless it is in some good sexual fun (Sorry, I have had 50 Shades on the brain lately), but someone needs to do it. I vote me!


Ok.


Here we go.


I witnessed abuse at a really young age and that really fucked me over. Like, I ended up going to counseling over that shit fucked me over...but I am getting ahead of myself here.


I grew up in a broken home where abuse was rampant, verbally and physically. I got hit. My mother got hit. And occasionally my dad would get something thrown at him. I get into these shitty relationships because I don't know what a non-shitty one is like. The only relationship role models I had never loved each other. But that is the best part; I have recognized my inability to decipher love and WTF(?).


So naturally when I was in my first, I am so in love with him we are gonna get married and live happily ever after relationship, it was a reflection of the only relationship I had ever known...my parents.


It all starts off hunky dory. He was great. This was my best friend. I told him more than a handful of things that I didn't tell anyone else. I loved hanging out, goofing off, and talking. I love you. You love me. We just can't get enough of each other. BAM! Next thing you know we are in a relationship. There are more details to this relationship, i.e. I lost childhood bestie over it, but that is irrelevant to the story.


We were young, in high school and completely smitten with each other. Like I've said before, I grew up in a small town. Our high school was maybe 900 people. So everyone knew everyone and there was A LOT of drama. There came a point in our relationship though that I couldn't trust him, because he was so damn friendly with the females and small town rumors ran amuck.


I would like to say that I ignored all the rumors, because there was nothing true to begin with, but you know how we are. That was the first of our problems. And yes, it was my fault. I'd pick arguments because I just didn't believe a damn word he said when it came to other girls. Fast forward to me being a crazy girlfriend and blaming this dude for everything. Amazingly enough, he took it...because well shit...we loved each other.


There are some hints that I should have noticed in retrospect though. One day we got into an argument and I was pushed against a wall...and not in a sexy way. When we would really get into it there were fingers in faces, screaming, and one time the cops. <--If you have the cops called on you due to the immense amount of yelling, you should probably not be with each other. But of course in my head, this was ok because people that were married to each other for 12 years (my parents) did the same.


College came around and this put some distance between us since we went to two different schools in two different cities. So we made it a point to see each other on the weekends whether it be him coming up to see me, me going down to see him, or both of us going back home together. Now here are the signs of an imminent abusive relationship.


He is controlling: This dude used to get so mad AT ME because I hung out with guys at my school. Now, I went to a predominatly white private college. 90% of the black people on campus came from the men's basketball team. Of course I hung out with them. The other problem was that they were my roommate's friends also. So they would be in our room until 11pm while I was on the phone caking it up with my boyfriend. He hated it. Told me to kick them out the room, not talk to them, etc. Like seriously? I'm on the phone with YOU! I am not even paying attention to them! Who is anyone to tell me what to do and who I can and can't be friends with?


Intense Jealousy: This goes back to the guys that I was friends with. It wasn't anything but him being jealous that I could physically be around these guys and not physically be around him. That was his issue, not mine and it caused a lot of grief.


He says things to lower your self esteem: I remember him telling me once that I would never find anyone that loved me as much as him. <-- I have come to find out that that was WRONG! When we broke up, he told me that it wasn't a big deal because he would find a girl just like me. <--Im unique damn it! Guys that say things like that are just trying to reemphasize clue number one--CONTROL. 


He has a temper: He used to get mad at me and punch holes in his wall, his windshield, his friend's wall, and even break my things. If he feels that much fury that he feels the need to get violent, remember that he probably sees that wall as your face and that your face is the next stage coming. 


I remember me telling him one time that I was afraid that he would accidentally (is that really how you spell that?) kill me one day because of his quick temper. Literally...that almost happened. 


As I was being choked on top of a white SUV, I stared into the eyes of the man that I loved and found him no where. I can't explain it, but he wasn't there. His eyes were blank. Thoughtless. Cold. I kicked and flailed my arms around in hopes that he would let go. What were probably just a few seconds, felt like an eternity to me. My last thoughts before he let go were, "Oh shit, I am about to die."


He let go. He came back. Got in his car and drove off. 


It took me 6 years to forgive him. SIX. We were in an entirely unhealthy relationship that I should have ended long before it got to the point it did. I almost lost my life. My life that I am so grateful for regardless of the mishaps that occur in it. 


When I spoke to him about the things that occurred in our relationship, he doesn't remember. I believe him. He was never around when all these things happened. He would be in such a state of anger that he would completely disappear and some one else that I didn't know, and didn't want to know would take over. 


I am not gonna claim the innocent party here. I believe in you hit me, I hit you back. There was definitely some back and forth going on because I like to think that I can hold my own. That wasn't right either. That just proves how unhealthy the situation was. I wish I wouldn't have lost my best friend in this situation. Had I known the signs maybe we could have stayed friends. Maybe I wouldn't have lost years with childhood bestie. <--I regret that the most.


Everyone told me to get out and unfortunately I learned the hard way. But if any of this seems familiar to you here is my advice:


If you have kids...get out of this situation. You don't need them to believe that violence equates love.


Get a self esteem check. You are your own worst critic. You have way more to offer than to be with a man that hits you or speaks ill to you. 


Grow up. Physical fights are juvenile. Do you really want to be fighting someone for the rest of your life?


Tell someone. I can't stress enough how important this is. I know that sometimes guys threaten you with things, i.e. if you leave blah blah blah, but having someone know what is going on and what he is saying allows for some planning and a much needed support system.


Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Be strong. Stand up for yourself. You are too beautiful to have a man control your life with his fists. You only get one chance at this life, don't spend 90% of it being afraid of someone else. 


This is why I was so blessed to have George in my life. He taught me what it is supposed to be like when a man truly loves you. I was already damaged by the time he came around, but I haven't given up hope on myself. I've made poor decisions on the men in my life, but it takes a long time to undo what 12 years of your childhood has done to you. At least I know from my upbringing with my step dad that that biblical love does exist, and that one day I can have it. =)