The Road to Recovery

What would my life be without another Emergency room visit? 2 in one year? At least I can say that God doesn't intend to give me a dull, mundane, bland and humdrum life. I instead, am constantly being challenged so he can be humored in my expense. It's cool Lord...You're still my homie.


Ever since I went home for the funeral in February, I have had horrible neck pain. It literally started the day after George died. No big deal right? I'm a chiropractic student. I know that stress can manifest in muscles and cause pain. Of course I see my Leesville chiropractor and make sure to get some care when I get back to Dallas.


I've been adjusted, had physiotherapy (electrotherapy on my muscles feel amazeballs), and I have done rehab, all of which was helping until I got worse. The last couple of months I have been in so much pain that I get super dizzy and want to vomit all over walls. <--Yep, totally attractive.


So I have been taking strides in my health, went back on my little healthy semi vegetarian diet, drink shit tons of water, popping vitamins, and quit drinking. YES!!! I, Diamond Gina am 5 7 days sober! It may not seem like a lot, but I drink like it is going out of style and I drink every damn day; when George died I have kinda sorta used it as a coping mechanism, not to mention it helps me sleep.


I was instructed by my student intern to just cut back on the drinking, but the first night I tried to sleep without a glass of wine went miserably. I tossed and turned because I was so uncomfortable with the pain in my neck. So I did a "fuck him!" at 2 am and drank two glasses to fall asleep. Of course, after that, God spoke to me through Dr. Hall (weird that he uses a man that boils my blood like no other, but I guess it is because I actually listen to every word he says) and I vowed to become sober for at least a month. Obviously that was stupid.


I hung out with Chasey all day yesterday (Saturday). We had fun the sober way: shopping! We went to the Galleria and spent hours at the mall then went grocery shopping. I cooked him some food, caught up, watched some youtube videos, and played with the kittens that he is allergic to. All the meanwhile, my neck pain is increasing...quickly. I take him home because I knew I needed to get an early start to try and sleep since I was in pain.

Hard headed chase snuggling with a kitten he is allergic to

4 a.m. arrives and I am still in pain. Excruciating pain. Please chop off my right arm kind of pain. The pain from my neck was traveling down into my shoulder blade and arm. WTF. No matter what position I put myself in my body fought me. Turning my head to one side to sleep made the right side of my nose go numb...fuck. I call Belle and she answers and heads over to massage my muscles with biofreeze and supplement me up with anti-inflammatories and sleep aids. It worked because I slept a good couple of hours.


I wake up to try and reach my phone because I realize my pain is now worse! Is this possible? I wished I were dead. I try to pull myself forward...pain shoots down my shoulder blade. I try to roll to one side and get up...pain shoots down my arm. I do this for several minutes in tears because the pain is off the scales. So I quickly think like a doctor: Do I have meningitis...nope no fever. What about my gallbladder...nope negative rebound test...UGH! Are my traps really that important for me to get out of freaking bed? Finally, I take a deep breath and raise up quickly screaming in the process! 

A few phone calls later,  my friends to get me to the nicest ER in America. I mean I knew Highland Park was a bit much, but this place was fabulous! If I am ever dying Lord, please let the people know to take me here to die. I felt like I was on an episode of freaking House. Self serve refrigerators with juices waters and snacks? Did I die and go to hospital heaven? Cooperative, sweet, understanding staff that are all beautiful? Sliding glass doors to each room? Modern leather chairs? No stupid noisy paper on the beds but disposable sheets?? My Lord!

The waiting area, equipped with snacks and drinks!

Nurse's station and the sliding glass doors like House!

I'm in and out within an hour full of Vicodin and a pretty painful steroid shot and prescriptions for Tramadol, Flexeril, and Naprosyn...YAY! Fast forward to me being loopy and passed out. You think I talk a lot now?? I talk 10 times more on medication; Mostly about things that I have no clue of!

I'm not trying to pose, my neck and my shoulder were stuck like that. Fancy chair eh?

One of my friends said, "What irony though. You quit drinking and then your friggin' neck locks up. Staying loosey goosey with alcohol may be the way to go!" <--- SOOOOO True! Unless I want to not wake up in the morning though, I ought not drink with my lovely medications, but it is quite tempting remembering how much less pain I was in when I was downing glasses of wine. My friends however, have been more than amazing! Tara made me homemade chicken noodle soup and Molly did my hair for me so I wouldn't have to strain my muscles more than they are now.  It all sounds great, but it makes you feel like crap when you can't do simple things for yourself like wash your hair (I refused to let anyone wash my hair...I painfully figured it out).

Tara working hard in the Kitchen ;)

Molly doing my hair without me lifting my neck

So here I am a few days post emergency room and avoiding studying for my test tomorrow morning. I have no idea how I am going to sit up long enough to take that it, but I guess I'll figure it out. My adjustment and PT helped out a ton today and I feel like I have tons more range of motion in my neck, but as Molly pointed out it probably isn't the best idea for me to use it yet. So she is doing my laundry while I sit here, blog, and study. Le sigh. I don't know how anyone can sit in bed all day. This ish sucks. They say it gets worse before it gets better...I can't imagine any worse, so it looks like I am on the road to recovery!

Reader Request

A while back I had a reader request that I do a post on abusive relationships. I quickly agreed and then remembered that this would be a lot of me....going out there....


But I'm ready now.


Let me preface all of this by saying that sometimes violence is needed. Im joking. But not really.
Por ejemplo, sluts need the shit slapped out of them. Liars need to be punched in the face (I hate sluts and liars...but we all know that) I don't think that their significant others should do the slapping...unless it is in some good sexual fun (Sorry, I have had 50 Shades on the brain lately), but someone needs to do it. I vote me!


Ok.


Here we go.


I witnessed abuse at a really young age and that really fucked me over. Like, I ended up going to counseling over that shit fucked me over...but I am getting ahead of myself here.


I grew up in a broken home where abuse was rampant, verbally and physically. I got hit. My mother got hit. And occasionally my dad would get something thrown at him. I get into these shitty relationships because I don't know what a non-shitty one is like. The only relationship role models I had never loved each other. But that is the best part; I have recognized my inability to decipher love and WTF(?).


So naturally when I was in my first, I am so in love with him we are gonna get married and live happily ever after relationship, it was a reflection of the only relationship I had ever known...my parents.


It all starts off hunky dory. He was great. This was my best friend. I told him more than a handful of things that I didn't tell anyone else. I loved hanging out, goofing off, and talking. I love you. You love me. We just can't get enough of each other. BAM! Next thing you know we are in a relationship. There are more details to this relationship, i.e. I lost childhood bestie over it, but that is irrelevant to the story.


We were young, in high school and completely smitten with each other. Like I've said before, I grew up in a small town. Our high school was maybe 900 people. So everyone knew everyone and there was A LOT of drama. There came a point in our relationship though that I couldn't trust him, because he was so damn friendly with the females and small town rumors ran amuck.


I would like to say that I ignored all the rumors, because there was nothing true to begin with, but you know how we are. That was the first of our problems. And yes, it was my fault. I'd pick arguments because I just didn't believe a damn word he said when it came to other girls. Fast forward to me being a crazy girlfriend and blaming this dude for everything. Amazingly enough, he took it...because well shit...we loved each other.


There are some hints that I should have noticed in retrospect though. One day we got into an argument and I was pushed against a wall...and not in a sexy way. When we would really get into it there were fingers in faces, screaming, and one time the cops. <--If you have the cops called on you due to the immense amount of yelling, you should probably not be with each other. But of course in my head, this was ok because people that were married to each other for 12 years (my parents) did the same.


College came around and this put some distance between us since we went to two different schools in two different cities. So we made it a point to see each other on the weekends whether it be him coming up to see me, me going down to see him, or both of us going back home together. Now here are the signs of an imminent abusive relationship.


He is controlling: This dude used to get so mad AT ME because I hung out with guys at my school. Now, I went to a predominatly white private college. 90% of the black people on campus came from the men's basketball team. Of course I hung out with them. The other problem was that they were my roommate's friends also. So they would be in our room until 11pm while I was on the phone caking it up with my boyfriend. He hated it. Told me to kick them out the room, not talk to them, etc. Like seriously? I'm on the phone with YOU! I am not even paying attention to them! Who is anyone to tell me what to do and who I can and can't be friends with?


Intense Jealousy: This goes back to the guys that I was friends with. It wasn't anything but him being jealous that I could physically be around these guys and not physically be around him. That was his issue, not mine and it caused a lot of grief.


He says things to lower your self esteem: I remember him telling me once that I would never find anyone that loved me as much as him. <-- I have come to find out that that was WRONG! When we broke up, he told me that it wasn't a big deal because he would find a girl just like me. <--Im unique damn it! Guys that say things like that are just trying to reemphasize clue number one--CONTROL. 


He has a temper: He used to get mad at me and punch holes in his wall, his windshield, his friend's wall, and even break my things. If he feels that much fury that he feels the need to get violent, remember that he probably sees that wall as your face and that your face is the next stage coming. 


I remember me telling him one time that I was afraid that he would accidentally (is that really how you spell that?) kill me one day because of his quick temper. Literally...that almost happened. 


As I was being choked on top of a white SUV, I stared into the eyes of the man that I loved and found him no where. I can't explain it, but he wasn't there. His eyes were blank. Thoughtless. Cold. I kicked and flailed my arms around in hopes that he would let go. What were probably just a few seconds, felt like an eternity to me. My last thoughts before he let go were, "Oh shit, I am about to die."


He let go. He came back. Got in his car and drove off. 


It took me 6 years to forgive him. SIX. We were in an entirely unhealthy relationship that I should have ended long before it got to the point it did. I almost lost my life. My life that I am so grateful for regardless of the mishaps that occur in it. 


When I spoke to him about the things that occurred in our relationship, he doesn't remember. I believe him. He was never around when all these things happened. He would be in such a state of anger that he would completely disappear and some one else that I didn't know, and didn't want to know would take over. 


I am not gonna claim the innocent party here. I believe in you hit me, I hit you back. There was definitely some back and forth going on because I like to think that I can hold my own. That wasn't right either. That just proves how unhealthy the situation was. I wish I wouldn't have lost my best friend in this situation. Had I known the signs maybe we could have stayed friends. Maybe I wouldn't have lost years with childhood bestie. <--I regret that the most.


Everyone told me to get out and unfortunately I learned the hard way. But if any of this seems familiar to you here is my advice:


If you have kids...get out of this situation. You don't need them to believe that violence equates love.


Get a self esteem check. You are your own worst critic. You have way more to offer than to be with a man that hits you or speaks ill to you. 


Grow up. Physical fights are juvenile. Do you really want to be fighting someone for the rest of your life?


Tell someone. I can't stress enough how important this is. I know that sometimes guys threaten you with things, i.e. if you leave blah blah blah, but having someone know what is going on and what he is saying allows for some planning and a much needed support system.


Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Be strong. Stand up for yourself. You are too beautiful to have a man control your life with his fists. You only get one chance at this life, don't spend 90% of it being afraid of someone else. 


This is why I was so blessed to have George in my life. He taught me what it is supposed to be like when a man truly loves you. I was already damaged by the time he came around, but I haven't given up hope on myself. I've made poor decisions on the men in my life, but it takes a long time to undo what 12 years of your childhood has done to you. At least I know from my upbringing with my step dad that that biblical love does exist, and that one day I can have it. =)

Wednesday

I'm listening to Flyleaf avoiding all studies and waiting on Jenna Marbles to post her vlog. This is my hump day

...sans humping.

I sit at home hitting the refresh Facebook button and wait for Jenna to post a video for my entertainment, entertaining myself with Pinterest and Hulu in the meanwhile. Is this really my Wednesdays?

Yep

Freakin Facebook. This is what people do with their lives when they are bored. This is our society. Tied to the damn computer, phone, television, iPad, tablet, and whatever the fuck else can plug into a wall. 

You have one because you are "trying to keep in touch with friends" right? (Too bad they don't make a device that would actually allow you to hear a persons voice and talk to them. That would be bad ass.) That is everyone's excuse. I've noticed that half the people on my newsfeed could give two shits about their friends. They are on there to either brag or vent. And as much as I say, "dude...I don't care..." I obviously do, because I keep getting on there reading statuses and making judgements about the people that post them.

My newsfeed consists of:

Military wives
Facebook posts include, but are not limited to: 
I miss my husband. 
We're moving!
I hate moving. 
I can't wait till he comes home. 
I love my husband.
He is the best.
Going to the commissary.
Cooking dinner for me and my hubby.
*Pictures that bring tears to my eyes i.e. him coming home and her crying* <--I'm too emotional

Stay at home moms
Facebook posts include, but are not limited to:
My baby just took her first steps!!
I'm so tired.
My baby turns one tomorrow!
I love my babies.
Taking the kids to the park.
My baby is sick. *Sad face*
Does anyone have any suggestions on the best diapers to use?
Four month check-up today.
*Pictures of adorable chubby faces that make my uterus jump and my ovaries ovulate*

Photographers?

No elaboration needed.
Everyone is a photographer these days
Don't act like you haven't noticed.

Strippers
Facebook posts include, but are not limited to:
I need a sexy outfit.
Just got new shoes! 
I wish I had a man.
Going out!!
Drinking!!
Going to get my hair done.
Just got my nails done.
Going to work!
Had a good night. GN Facebook (at 6 a.m.)
*pics of money*
*pics of half naked bodies*
*pics of new bags, shoes, clothes, etc.*

Rappers
Facebook posts include, but are not limited to:
Like my new music page.
Check out my new song.
Just got out the booth.
Man I just spit some ill lyrics.
Follow me on twitter.
*post rap lyrics*
*post video links*

Random people that post pictures that my idiot friends like
Facebook posts include, but are not limited to:

Like this if you think he is beautiful. <--WTF Why?

Parker students
Facebook posts include, but are not limited to:
I hate Dr. Hall.
Eating Kale chips!
Getting adjusted.
I can't wait to get out of here.
Get adjusted!
Studying.
Don't drink milk!
*posts documentary, CDC, FDA, links*
*posts controversial chiropractic pictures*

Sigh. I honestly feel like you can't live with Facebook and you can't live without it. Like seriously...when I check in you send my friends notifications on their phones as to where the hell I am? Way to be creepy. But on the other hand, I get to get in the minds strippers...Ok bad example...

...In the Middle of the Night

I haven't posted on here in a while...its because I have been partying and drinking...drinking and partying...ok who am I kidding, we all know I blog when I have an important assignment due or a test to study for. So here I am, avoiding all of the above.

Nothing interesting has been happening in my life lately anyway so you haven't missed out. I've been busy taking care of these damn kittens...I treat them like my babies...which oddly enough is making me more domestic.

What I have been doing:

* Making my porch bad ass *

As you can tell I normally have a shitty view out of my front window, so I decided to go buy some pots and plants and a cute patio set from Target as well as some sexy lighting. Don't think I am original though. All ideas were found on Pinterest or in Elle Wood's head =)

*Being a sentimental bad ass*

George drew me that picture in November and I finally framed it! It reads, "To the daughter which has brought a new meaning to you are the light of my life" With a scripture from John 15:12.

* Making the pee room bad ass *

Smallest bathroom ever. Really. If you pee with the door closed you feel like your trapped. A bright color was needed to distract thoughts of being sucked into the toilets vortex. 

* Playing with bad ass kittens *

I haven't named these cuties yet because I don't want to get attached, even though it may be too late! If you know anyone who wants kittens they will be ready to go to a good home in a couple of weeks!

*Pretending to be a bad ass cook in a bad ass Ikea house*

Ikea is remodeling in Frisco. If you know what you want, they probably won't have it. However, they have new rooms to venture into!! Oh to live in 317sq ft and feel like it is 1000. Thank you Sweden.

* Trying to avoid being eaten by a zombie. That is the opposite of bad ass*

There needs to be no elaboration here. That shit is cray cray. 

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

*Being a bad ass Korean watching Kdramas and listening to Kpop*

I am currently watching one with the actor in this video now! I love Kim Gun Mo and I'm a little partial to Yoon Sang-hyun because he plays an asshole on the show...and obviously I am attracted to those. 

* Reading 50 shades of bad ass*

Unless you don't have a pulse or have a penis...in which most of the male species has appreciated these 50 some odd shades, you have definitely heard of this erotic romance. Yes...I said erotic. It was 50 shades of WTF?! There is no intellectual content in this book, so if you like to read good writing, skip out on this trilogy. If you want to spice up you marriage though...this will definitely give you 50 reasons to jump your husbands bones...in the middle of the night.