Oh Canada eh?

Cinco de mayo is an awesome holiday. We celebrate it because....were all Mexican? No! (though one day we probably will all have some kind of mexican in us [thats what she said] like we are all Indian somewhere along the way) Because it is an excuse to throw a ridiculous party and drink. So if we celebrate OUR independence and Mexico's independence, why are we not celebrating our northern neighboring country's independence? 

If you didn't know, today is Canada day! And of the few Canadians I have met in my life, the most important thing I have learned from them is that they like to drink! My kind of people! So why are we not celebrating? Why does no one know anything about Canada??! I of course, being a recovering alcoholic (<--- not true, but that is what 20 days of sobriety feels like) alcoholic, know that I have an extra day to have an excuse to get shit faced. Unfortunately, this year, I am sober. I picked the worst time of the year to choose to be sober. 

But that is neither here or there. Everyone go out and have a beer for Canada. Canadian beer!  

Congrats Canada from being freed from that bitch the queen...I think. I am not really sure how all this works as I am not Canadin. 

But today I am going to educate all you uneducated Americans about Canada because I know a lot about Canada...

I know a Canadian. 

My Canadian and Me!

FAQs Americans ask Canadians:

1.) What side of the road do you drive on?

• The same side we do.

2.) Are there Mexicans in Canada?

• Yes. Mexicans are everywhere.

3.) Did you play red rover?

• Yes. (Though I would imagine it to be hard in mittens)

4.) How do you say Happy Birthday in Canadian?

• Happy Birthd-eh (see what I did there?)

5.) Does everyone in Canada smoke weed?

• No. (Surprising, I know!)

6.) Does everyone in Canada speak French?

• No. There are actually sides...a French side...and a non French side <--?

7.) What is it like in Toronto?

• Toronto and Canada are not synonymous. 

8.) Who is your President

• They don't have one. They have a Prime Minister (and who cares who he is)

Things I've learned about Canada:

They don't have drive through banks!

 One day I go to the bank with my favorite Canadian (I know multiple obviously) and ask her to just pull into the drive through. I thought it was a simple task, but boy was I wrong. I hand her my check and she kind of stares at me. I'm all, "put. it. in. the. tuuuuuuube" She confusingly does as she is told and resumes her awkward staring. Now I'm just annoyed. I tell her in my best smart ass voice, "now put it back in the receiver." She does and keeps acting like a ri-tard. Now I am pissed. "Push the green button..." She does and as the tube gets sucked in, the child jumps halfway out of the car. I laugh uncontrollably because at that moment, I realized she had never seen a drive through teller. I was right. I am assuming because it is too cold have one there. The little thingy that sucks the other thingy up probably would freeze and get your money stuck somewhere in the middle. They do have drive up ATMs though.

They love mac and cheese. When I met my lovely Canadian friend I took notice to the fact that she ate a lot of mac and cheese. I thought it was her favorite food. I mean, if you offered me rice everyday, I'd eat it! One day our professor decided to give us all a quiz on Canada. One of the questions went something like, what is the most popular food in Canada. Mac and cheese was an answer. I chose it and I was right. Suprisingly, the Canadian herself answered it incorrectly.

They have loonies and toonies. I'm convinced that the people are all looney, but that is what they call their currency. Loonies are $1 coins and have a loon (some kind of duck or something) on them. And a Toonie is a $2 coin and rhymes with loonie...and is like a two...so it works. I guess. Looney tunes is also a cartoon series, but I guess they didn't think of how stupid it would sound, when they named it. 

They don't have turtles. Well, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada doesn't have turtles. I can't speak for the rest of that vast land. Apparently when we had to go to this stupid camp for school, she saw a turtle and acted like a child seeing a magic trick. One day, as we were crossing a bridge over a creek, she goes on and on about seeing the turtles down there. I stop because now I know that Canadians are definitely weird, and say, "do ya'll not have turtles in Canada?" She replies, "In pet stores." Lord.

Their English has a huge British influence. I have a couple of Canadian professors. Their notebooks are stupid because they spell words like honor, glamor, and color like this: honour, glamour, and colour. It is annoying. Oh and they say words like skeletal and capillary like this: ska-lee-tal and ka-pil-ery

They don't have lightning bugs. My friend thought fireflies were fake. Like fairies. She would hear people in songs talk about fireflies and assumed that they weren't real. I let her know that they were, and she finally saw some real ones recently and acted like a freak when she saw them. She additionally got ate up by some chiggers. Bet she knows those are real now too.  Furthermore, she had never seen rolly pollies! I feel like she was deprived as a child. 

Random facts about Canada:

• Hockey is to Canada as Football is to the South
• Canadian is NOT a race
• Rachel McAdams is Canadian as well as Ryan Reynolds sexy self
• Canadian is not a thing. They are a group of people...from Canada
• They call beanies toques (too-k)
• Canadian bacon is not bacon. It is ham
• They call bags begs
• Fuckin' eh came from Canada
• The definition of eh - is a spoken interjection that is similar in meaning to "excuse me," "please repeat that" or "huh?" It is also commonly used as a question tag, i.e., method for inciting a reply, as in "it's nice here, eh?"