I want to tell you about my two weeks of bliss so badly, but that will have to wait. I know...the anticipation might kill you right? I just can't get to it today mainly because I am exhausted. Whoever said that vacations are supposed to be relaxing and refreshing is a lying asshole. Plus, there are more important things to talk about starting with what I learned coming back to Dallas today.
Text messaging and driving is NOT safe.
- I almost lost my life ten times today trying to communicate with the world. And you know what? I blame the touchscreen. I never saw my life flash before my eyes when there were true buttons on the phone and I had every letter placement memorized. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I am a better drunk driver than a texting driver
The government or whoever makes up those stupid signs can kiss my ass. Particularly the ones who made up that look twice for motorcycles sign.
- I know...yall are all about to jump on my balls for this, but seriously...I look twice for everyone because people just suck at driving. Hello!! I am NOT the only person who texts/facebooks while driving!! And these people on bikes...Oh my freaking God. Those mother fuckers are the WORST! You're all driving down the highway minding your own business when some crazy ass, on a bike, wants to do 145 on the interstate and weave in and out of cars because they watched the latest Fast and Furious and thinks that shit is cool. Instead of me looking out for them, they need to watch out for my ass...you know, the girl in the car that will crush every bone in their body because my car out weighs their bike? It is already bad enough that you want me to accommodate the overwhelming Mexican population that move to the United States, by translating every fucking thing and wanting me to learn their language (Thanks Dora!)...in my fucking country. How about instead of having your 5 year old daughter translate for you, you actually take the time to learn the language of the land! I mean if I spoke French and moved to Mexico those fuckers could care less if I could communicate my needs to piss in a bathroom. Once again, if my Korean mother can do it, so can you!
April Showers bring May flowers...only if it rains.
- I couldn't take my garden with me for 2 weeks, and no one was here to water them. I wasn't too worried about it though because it is April! It was definitely gonna rain a few times in those two weeks right? Nope. All my plants are either dying or completely dried up and dead. Damn this Dallas heat.
- Papaya had babies.
IN MY CAR!
Yep. I am officially a grandmother. Yea yea yea, congrats my ass. That bitch had her babies in my car!
I was leaving my bestie in Haughton around noon today so I could get home and clean the house up a bit. Noon sounded like a good time since Shreveport is only 3 hours away. I get the whole car packed up except for Papaya because I couldn't find her triflin' ass. I found her in a closet (she has been hiding in closets for weeks) bundled up in a box. I picked her up and tossed her fat pregnant self in her kennel when I saw something wet on my shirt. I brushed it off though because I chalked it up to myself lactating or spilling water on myself when I brushed my teeth 5 minutes before (I make the biggest messes in the bathroom).
I put her in the car and drive out of Haughton into Bossier City when Papaya starts crying for her life. Now let me tell you, she hates car rides so she ALWAYS cries. I turn the music up like usual (I am going to be an awful mother one day) to drown her out and continue to drive. She finally stops crying and I turned the music back down to save my hearing. Thank goodness because then I heard little baby cries.
At first I thought, hmmm....I have never heard Papaya cry like that before. 5 seconds later I thought, holy shit, my cat is pregnant! What if she had a baby in my car! Now I don't know if you can tell from all my posts, but I am a pretty high strung person. My anxiety is through the freaking roof all day every day, so this one simple thought sent me into overload. I dangerously cross an intersection and pull into an empty parking lot so I could get a good look at my pregnant whore in her Kennel. When I looked in I saw a little wet rat sitting in there crying and I start screaming. Hysterically.
Now that I am freaking the fuck out, Papaya starts freaking out and is crying at the top of her lungs. I frantically pick up my phone and dial my best friend with no answer. Fuck that, she has got to answer...so I call her again. Voice mail. WTF???!!! I pull out of the empty lot and start racing back towards Haughton.
The bestie finally calls back, "Hey."
"THERE ARE BABIES IN MY CAR!!!"
"What?"
"THERE ARE BABIES IN MY CAR!!!!"
She tells me to head back to her house, but I was doing that anyway so I was slightly relieved that this wouldn't be a surprise. When I got there, her mom and her are waiting for me with towels and a box in hand. We get my the little kittens (yes, there were two at this point) out and clean them off because Papaya sucks at that kind of stuff. We placed everyone in a box and watched the circle of life occur. The circle of life is graphic. It was absolutely disgusting.
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| She was more concerned with being clean than her babies |
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| Harleigh bug was so excited to see baby kittens |
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| High stress constitues a coke for me and cigs for mom |
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| Babies everywhere! |
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| Little Damien. |
Papaya ending up having 6 little kittens one of which was all orange and another gray and white. The rest of the babies were black. Our poor gray and white one was stillborn and the orange one was the skinniest thing you ever saw and didn't make it past a couple of hours. So of course I would be the grandmother to all black kittens. Is this an omen? That is what it feels like. Evil cat has evil babies? Geez I hope not. Maybe I will name one of the boys Damien, just for the hell of it.
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