It's Beginning to Look a lot Like Christmas

When one of your best friends offers you a good time by putting up a Christmas tree and drinking wine you don't turn it down. I got out of my car at my fiancee's apartment complex to find pine needles leading me straight up to her apartment. Shaking my head, I knocked on the door. I walked in to find a huge 8ft tree in the corner of her living room placed where I had recommended. I still have no clue how her and her boyfriend got this tree up her stairs, but you will understand that in a minute.

I look over at her decorations and see an abundance of things on her counter including some deco mesh ribbon that I had never used before, but convincingly communicated would be easy to put up. Well, that was the first thing I was wrong about. That shit sucks. You twist it one way and it twists another and it doesn't wrap as easily as garland. The second thing I was wrong about was the placement of the tree in the living room. It was waaaaaay to close to the window. In theory, having a christmas tree next to a window is a fantastic suggestion, but when you have pesky cat and stupid irritating mesh to wrap, the notion is dull-witted.

How do people do this shit?

We pull the tree a few inches away from the window as to wrap the ribbon in a decorative fashion. I maneuver one arm into the tree trying to grab something solid as branches and pine needles continuously poke me in the face. I somehow get my other arm in while my love is on all fours grabbing the bottom of the tree. "One, two, three, PULL!" The tree moved 2 inches. Quickly exhausted from our tree pulling workout, the fiancee decides to just throw the ribbon around to me in the small space we created between the tree and the window. 

All the while, the cat is sitting in the window watching our shenanigans go down. I decide that the ribbon wrapping is horrendous and suggest googling how to do it when is see a beautiful tree on Pinterest. At this point my fiancee is completely over it and just wants the ribbon to hang straight down from the tip down. I look at her annoyed with her defeated attitude, tell her to proceed with her idea, step back from the tree and tell me if that remotely looks pretty. She concedes and allows me to study the picture to create the perfect tree. 

The inspiration tree

We finally get the ribbon right and decorate the tree...in the front. There was no room for us to reach the back of the tree so we instinctively decorate the side that everyone who walks in the house will see. Half way through, we start to admire our work. In the midst of our adoration the tree begins to fall. I run over and stick my arms back in that tree and almost poke my eye out with a branch of needles. We immediately blame the cat as he conveniently created a distance from the tree and himself during the plummet. 

We push the tree back up and think that the ornaments must be making the tree heavy on one side. After further inspection, we decide that the tree is being pulled by the lights that were being pulled taught against the wall. I hold the tree up and the fiancee goes to her closet for an extension cord. Boom, bam, pow. The girl almost loses her life from trying to get a box from the top of the closet. She brings the cord over and holds the tree while I unplug. TIIIIIIMBERRRRRRR! The only thing holding that tree up were the cords. Fuck. 

With my face itching I say:

We have to move the tree. 

Why?

Because it isn't going to stay here.

Right now? Where?

Yes. When else did you want to do it. Over there. *points across room*

The tree is heavy!

We can do it.

*sighs and thinks about the tree falling on her flat screen if it isn't moved* Ok.

With my brilliant plan in place we prepare the room for tree hauling. We take our positions with me getting pulling from the top and the fiancee pulling from the bottom. "One, two, three, PULL!" "One, two, three, PULL!" "One, two, three, PULL!" We weren't even half way across the room. I reposition myself lower on the tree. "One, two, three, PULL!" "One, two, three, PULL!" At this point I scream in pain because a snowflake was impaling my ankle and my legs were wrapped in Christmas lights. My poor fiancee had red knees from carpet burn. A few more feet to go and we push that bad boy to its new home. 

There was water and needles all over the floor, glitter all over our bodies and ribbon in my love's hair. We let the tree go and lo and behold this pain in my ass tilts over. The most innovative and brilliant idea then enters the brain of my green-eyed friend and she scurries away to implement it while I once again, hold the tree. I see her with a biology book, she opens it half way and tells me to tilt the tree. I do as I am told, but alas, I am not strong enough to tilt it as far as she needs. She says more and I gain a wider stance and tilt some more. Unsatisfactory. I have to tilt some more. With the tree feeling like it is horizontal in my now itchy arms, she shoves her book under the stand. 

Finished product!

Finally. a tall steady tree! I step back and admire our work. I look over to the other pretty girl in the room and say, "You're gonna have to get some presents to cover that up." She laughs and replies, "I have a tree skirt." Our tree came out more than perfect and with all the work that went into it, it better have. We turned off the living room lights to enjoy the glow and poured big glasses of wine. We put up a my tree the next day. I've never appreciated my fake 6-foot tree so much. Fifteen minutes and we were done. I am already so over Christmas.