How to Get a Man and Keep One

We all know that I have a gift in being in AWESOME relationships. So much so that I have been in an abundance of them!

This post is "ta' all my single ladies". The ones that bitch and moan about not having a man. I dedicate this to them in hopes that they will stop bellyaching on our Facebook news feeds. Are you ready ladies??! This is how to get a man and keep one, because I am so good at it!

Disclaimer: There are no guarantees on how long you will actually keep said man with this process. Results may vary.

How to Get a Man and Keep One:

• Be super smart! 
  
  Read books. Books = knowledge

• Drink like a fish

Come on, dont just stop at one glass, drink the whole fucking bottle. You're so much easier hotter when you do that!

• They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Learn how to cook and do that shit

If he is Canadian, Mac&Cheese will make him fall in LOVE

• Couples that play together stay together, so learn to work out

Plus, hard work pays off

• Leave things to the imagination. Wear lots of clothing

Or Not

• ALWAYS wear A LOT of make-up. You never know when a camera will be around. Especially yours

Kissy face is important but not as important as the duck face

• Take forever to get ready. You HAVE to look perfect!

They love watching you get ready. Seriously. It's sexy. Do it as long as possible

• Follow sports

No one has time to watch that shit especially when you are doing the bullet above. There is an app for that

• Be emotional. Guys aren't mind readers. They need to know how you are feeling

But mostly

• Be interesting. Make EVERYTHING dramatic

You're dream isn't to be a princess. It's to be the mother fucking queen. Be the damn queen!

• Get a hobby and share it! Shopping is a good one

That's right. Shop till you drop WITH HIM!

• Be super clingy. Guys like to know that they are wanted

The key is to hold on and squeeze and never let go. They don't need to do anything without you attached to them...literally.

There you have it. Follow these few rules and you'll have a guy in no time! Probably get married even!
As for the guys on your social media talking about finding a boo-thang, punch them in the gonads the next time you see them. We don't need them procreating more whiny men. No one wants to hear a guy bitching about not having a girlfriend. I barely want to hear it from girl.

Youre welcome,