And Then There Were Two

I'm sitting in my underwear and a tank top writing this post right now. No, it isn't because I am trying to be sexy. It's because Dallas is HOT. I am currently trying to sustain life in my home and that requires it to be quite warm. That means no air conditioner or fans. I have the windows open, but the wind is non existent in this city. 

Papaya has got to be the worst mother on the face of this Earth. I take that back...I think Janelle Evans from Teen Mom 2 is the worst mother on this planet. Someone needs to pray for that girl. Anyways...We originally had 6 kittens and brought home 4 black ones remember? Well...keeping kittens alive is a lot harder than you think it is. They have an inability to maintain their own body heat...which I guess human babies have the same issue, but we are smart enough to wrap them in blankets. Sorry, side tracked. Well I became well informed of this information when I had one of the all black kittens die of hypothermia. 

You want to know how kittens get hypothermia? By their mom not laying with them to keep them warm. This is why sluts shouldn't have kids. They have no maternal instinct.

I came home from school one day and went to the closet to perform my daily head count. I saw 3 kittens cuddled up together and 1 alone. Fuck. I touched the kitten. Dead. Fuck! I didn't want to pick up a dead kitten!! More than that, I didn't want to throw it in the trash! So I let my anxiety escalate out of proporiton. Is there a disease running rampant killing my little kitten grand babies? Is Papaya killing her babies so she can finally go outside again? Is this post-partum??!! 

Thank God for google because I called the emergency vet. I let the lady on the other line know about Papaya's slutty actions. She told me that my babies were dying of hypothermia and I needed to put them on a heating blanket. Perfect! I have one of those in my closet!! I plugged that sucker up, threw away a dead kitten (so morbid) and warmed the rest of my grand kittens up. Finally...a solution to the madness! I would like to say that my story ends there, but it doesn't.

I went to the Miranda Lambert concert with Molly, her fiance, and Canada on Saturday night. I had an absolute blast because I don't know if you've noticed, she is my favorite musician! Y'all know I was out there drinking and partaking in shenanigans when we all went to a friends house after the concert. I got home around 4 am (don't judge me) and fell on my bed with all my clothes and boots on. Every fucking time I closed my eyes though, I kept hearing this damn kitten cry! So I took off my boots, took off my shorts and closed my bedroom door in hopes to pass out on the couch. Now Kiwi is crying. She was taking on emotions or something...bitches. So I lock her in my bathroom and finally fall asleep. 

 

 

I woke up at 1:30...P.M. of course and I still hear this little bastard crying. What the fuck?! I came into the room, look in the closet and guess what. Those little shits weren't there. I tip toed over to my bed in hopes of not smashing a life with my feet and felt carefully on the blanket. No kittens. Then that annoying cry starts again. All three kittens are in the corner of my room next to my bed. No wonder why I couldn't sleep!! 

I picked them all up and put them back on the electric blanket. Papaya moves them back out. Seriously bitch??! Fine. So I moved the electric blanket to the corner of my room, but one kitten continues to cry and isolate itself. I think quickly (qualities of being a good doctor wink wink) and throw on some clothes to go to the store. I purchase some kitten milk and a bottle and rush home to what I thought was a starving kitten. Nope. It wouldn't take the damn bottle! That is when I noticed its labored breathing. FUCK! I have a dying kitten in my hands. Anxiety overload. Start waterworks! I start freaking the fuck out. 

I call Belle and inform her about my kittens pending death while sounding like a babbling brook. She immediately heads over. By the time she gets there I have my little kitten wrapped in a hand towel to keep it warm. We then use a small heating pad to dissipate more heat, but it wasn't working. 

Being the good little future chiropractor she is, Belle palpates my grand kitten's cervical spine. <--- This is why you go to the ER for emergencies, not to your chiropractor's office. Then she asks for my stethoscope and listen to its little heart and lungs. What the fuck are we vets???! We google the kittens symptoms and what do you know, it is dying from hypothermia! So she holds the baby in the heating pad, pets it and we watch it take its last breaths. Sigh.

I scold Papaya. "How can you make me throw away another kitten? Does that even sound right? I am gonna throw away a kitten! Do you even care?" She doesn't. Now, every time I get home I am scared to do a head count because I don't want to find that the neglect of my cat has led to another death. Well...I wake up one morning from school earlier than usual so I could actually be on time. Kiwi looks over to the corner of and starts crying. I immediately look over and kittens are no where to be found. "PAPAYA!!! Where are you?!" She comes from behind the curtains of the window. "God bless!! You aren't with your missing kittens?!" 

Jesus Christ, Mary, Joseph my heart is about to give out from all the stress I am going through! I frantically search the house. In the closets, under the dresser, in the toilet (you never know). Meanwhile, Kiwi is digging in the kittens blankets searching for them there. Sweet puppy. I look under the couch and am just puzzled. Then I feel up towards the seats and feel heat. The kittens are IN the couch. Thank God. I place the heating pad under the couch just in case and go off to school. 

I came home from lunch to check on the kittens and none of my animals were no where to be found. No one even cared I had food. Everyone was in the couch (there is a whole at the bottom of my couch that allows the the animals to get in there; they have been doing it since they were babies). Hmmm...I hope Kiwi isn't stuck in there. Well, I shouldn't have put that out into the universe. When I got home for the day I realized she was.

I was minding my own business in my bed when I heard Kiwi digging her life away. I ignored it at first but the digging weirdly continued. I walked into the living room, looked under the couch and hear digging followed by some hard panting. Damn it. My dog was stuck under the couch. How you ask? Well she was on one side of the hole and Papaya and the kittens were on the other. This caused the fabric and the hole to be against the carpet. My pitiful dog was trying to poke her head out, but the fabric was pulling so hard on her face that the skin of her eyes were being pulled up. All I could see were the whites of her eyes and her open mouth panting for dear life. 

I put my arm in the to grab her out, but she was just too big for this hole! Damn my dog being a better mom than Papaya! She was in there to keep the kittens warm because that is what she has been doing since the last one died. Ugh...what to do? What to do?? Scissors. 

I cut the hole bigger for Kiwi and got her out. She gratefully licked my face and then asked to be taken outside. I really hope these kittens start becoming self sufficient soon because I think I am losing my mind. I don't even check on them anymore. I feel like, if one dies, my couch will just have to stink and I will have an excuse to get a new one because I'll be damned if I stick my hand in a black hole to grab expired animals. 

So far we only have a 33% survival rate in this house and Papaya may be next on the list if she doesn't straighten up her act. Most girls are slutty because of their daddy issues. Guess I should have kept a man around to teach this hoe right. Sluts shouldn't have babies. I can't believe there actually were 6 kittens...and then there were two.

Black People Can Tan!

Vacation!!!!

This vacation was definitely needed. Having drama occur in your life against your will is annoying. Speaking of, if you are anyone's ex and did them absolutely dirty and has your dirty laundry aired on the internet, I suggest you NOT speak with your ex's friends. Seriously what the fuck are you thinking? Soccer hottie got mad at me for telling her this one piece of information because she is tired of him and has an immense amount of contempt for him, so I am letting it out on here.

I got a text from one of my classmates saying, "your scadalous ex came up to me in BWW...wanted to see how things are going." Now at this point if this dick wad ever came up to one my good friends with this bullshit they would have given him the stank eye and most likely said, "fuck off!" In fact, had he EVER had the nerve to say something to soccer hottie, I'm sure he would have lost a testicle or two. Obviously being around an idiot makes you an idiot. That is scary. You can get idiot from osmosis?

Goal: only date smart men, because the sheer possibility of catching idiot is frightening!

But no worries. I went on vacation with a good friend and had a great time. Our vacation got off to a rocky start. Belle, (<= her favorite Disney character) drove from Dallas to meet me in good ol' Leesville on Sunday so we could leave Moday afternoon. No big right? Just a normal 5 hour drive that I used to make every weekend. Everything should be smooth sailing especially since she got her oil changed on Satrurday right?!

WRONG

Her oil cap wasnt screwed on correctly so she got to leak oil all day Saturday after the oil change, and the three hour drive to Shreveport on Sunday before her oil light came on.  By the time the oil light comes on I am told it is too late...bye bye engine. So a girl from Washington, who lives in Dallas, is stuck in Shreveport, two hours away from her destination and nearest friend. It's cool guys, I saved her. It all sounds awful, but she couldn't have been stuck in a better place. I spent five years of my life in Shreveport!! I know people! I called my best friend's family to go get here and house her until I could arrive. Then we were smooth sailing...Vacation time!

Knowledge I gathered on Vacation:

8 hours isn't a bad drive when you are with good company

• We took pictures at every state sign!

White people are extra friendly

• We met some wonderful people who were also taking pictures at the state signs heading to Disney World and went to lunch with them when we got to Pensacola. 

The most awesome people we could have met!

White people don't believe in sunscreen

• Getting a sunburn leads to burning which leads to a tan so they would rather put on a low SPF like 6 (what is the point of that?) or none at all for the sake of being closer to my color. I don't know why being red as a lobster and in pain is ok, but then again, I will probably never understand why white people do a lot of shit. 

A sheer sarong. Yep...that is how you protect yourself from the sun

White people think that black people CAN'T tan

• Unlike my white friends, I slather on sunscreen because I have been burned before and hate the feeling. We were so relaxed however, that I did not reapply, not to mention I didn't use any on my upper back because I couldn't reach. When I took pics of my hand, white folks on my Facebook refused to believe it was me even though I said it was. Like who the fuck would lie about that? Ok...I can think of one compulsive lying bitch in my class, but seriously...hands? Why could they not believe it? Because my hands were a lot darker than normal because black people can't tan. ????? I have tan lines where my swim suit was people. It's ok, Ill let the ignorance slide. 

Actively tanning on the beach

My controversial picture

Men love women who have mustaches (see below)

We gained memories, sunburns (yes I got a serious sunburn on my upper back from not applying sunscreen), and friends on our trip. And now all of you know that black people can tan!

Just for the Hell of it

I'm baaaaaaaaccccccckkkkkk!!!

I want to tell you about my two weeks of bliss so badly, but that will have to wait. I know...the anticipation might kill you right? I just can't get to it today mainly because I am exhausted. Whoever said that vacations are supposed to be relaxing and refreshing is a lying asshole. Plus, there are more important things to talk about starting with what I learned coming back to Dallas today.

Text messaging and driving is NOT safe. 

• I almost lost my life ten times today trying to communicate with the world. And you know what? I blame the touchscreen. I never saw my life flash before my eyes when there were true buttons on the phone and I had every letter placement memorized. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I am a better drunk driver than a texting driver

The government or whoever makes up those stupid signs can kiss my ass. Particularly the ones who made up that look twice for motorcycles sign.

• I know...yall are all about to jump on my balls for this, but seriously...I look twice for everyone because people just suck at driving. Hello!! I am NOT the only person who texts/facebooks while driving!! And these people on bikes...Oh my freaking God. Those mother fuckers are the WORST! You're all driving down the highway minding your own business when some crazy ass, on a bike, wants to do 145 on the interstate and weave in and out of cars because they watched the latest Fast and Furious and thinks that shit is cool. Instead of me looking out for them, they need to watch out for my ass...you know, the girl in the car that will crush every bone in their body because my car out weighs their bike? It is already bad enough that you want me to accommodate the overwhelming Mexican population that move to the United States, by translating every fucking thing and wanting me to learn their language (Thanks Dora!)...in my fucking country. How about instead of having your 5 year old daughter translate for you, you actually take the time to learn the language of the land! I mean if I spoke French and moved to Mexico those fuckers could care less if I could communicate my needs to piss in a bathroom. Once again, if my Korean mother can do it, so can you! 

April Showers bring May flowers...only if it rains.

• I couldn't take my garden with me for 2 weeks, and no one was here to water them. I wasn't too worried about it though because it is April! It was definitely gonna rain a few times in those two weeks right? Nope. All my plants are either dying or completely dried up and dead. Damn this Dallas heat.

There is never an opportune time for animals to birth babies. Ever.

• Papaya had babies. 

IN MY CAR!

Yep. I am officially a grandmother. Yea yea yea, congrats my ass. That bitch had her babies in my car!

I was leaving my bestie in Haughton around noon today so I could get home and clean the house up a bit. Noon sounded like a good time since Shreveport is only 3 hours away. I get the whole car packed up except for Papaya because I couldn't find her triflin' ass. I found her in a closet (she has been hiding in closets for weeks) bundled up in a box. I picked her up and tossed her fat pregnant self in her kennel when I saw something wet on my shirt. I brushed it off though because I chalked it up to myself lactating or spilling water on myself when I brushed my teeth 5 minutes before (I make the biggest messes in the bathroom).

I put her in the car and drive out of Haughton into Bossier City when Papaya starts crying for her life. Now let me tell you, she hates car rides so she ALWAYS cries. I turn the music up like usual (I am going to be an awful mother one day) to drown her out and continue to drive. She finally stops crying and I turned the music back down to save my hearing. Thank goodness because then I heard little baby cries. 

At first I thought, hmmm....I have never heard Papaya cry like that before. 5 seconds later I thought, holy shit, my cat is pregnant! What if she had a baby in my car! Now I don't know if you can tell from all my posts, but I am a pretty high strung person. My anxiety is through the freaking roof all day every day, so this one simple thought sent me into overload. I dangerously cross an intersection and pull into an empty parking lot so I could get a good look at my pregnant whore in her Kennel. When I looked in I saw a little wet rat sitting in there crying and I start screaming. Hysterically. 

Now that I am freaking the fuck out, Papaya starts freaking out and is crying at the top of her lungs. I frantically pick up my phone and dial my best friend with no answer. Fuck that, she has got to answer...so I call her again. Voice mail. WTF???!!! I pull out of the empty lot and start racing back towards Haughton. 

The bestie finally calls back, "Hey." 

"THERE ARE BABIES IN MY CAR!!!" 

"What?" 

"THERE ARE BABIES IN MY CAR!!!!"

She tells me to head back to her house, but I was doing that anyway so I was slightly relieved that this wouldn't be a surprise. When I got there, her mom and her are waiting for me with towels and a box in hand. We get my the little kittens (yes, there were two at this point) out and clean them off because Papaya sucks at that kind of stuff. We placed everyone in a box and watched the circle of life occur. The circle of life is graphic. It was absolutely disgusting. 

She was more concerned with being clean than her babies

Harleigh bug was so excited to see baby kittens 

High stress constitues a coke for me and cigs for mom

Babies everywhere!

Little Damien. 

Papaya ending up having 6 little kittens one of which was all orange and another gray and white. The rest of the babies were black. Our poor gray and white one was stillborn and the orange one was the skinniest thing you ever saw and didn't make it past a couple of hours. So of course I would be the grandmother to all black kittens. Is this an omen? That is what it feels like. Evil cat has evil babies? Geez I hope not. Maybe I will name one of the boys Damien, just for the hell of it.