I continued to be nauseous for a week. I went to work thinking I was going to blow chunks on the first person I talked to. What the hell was wrong with me? Was there some stomach bug going around? I came home every night exhausted out of my mind but unable to lay down due to my raging nausea. Mom finally asks the question...
"Are you pregnant?"
"No!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yep. I had two periods (since...well). I think I'm just dying."
"I had two periods when I was pregnant."
*Confused face* "Well, I'm not pregnant."
"Steph! Diamond's gonna have a baby!"
Ugh. I am never telling anyone I don't feel well again. The bestie was more than thrilled/entertained about this non-potential child and Mom...? Mom talked about me having little Harleigh bugs...something I never want...girls. Even Dad got in on it when I tried on a pair of my jeans that I hadn't worn in a few months that wouldn't go over my ass (I broke the zipper when I finally got them on) "Hips only spread like that for one reason!" Because of eating too much ice cream? Because I am sure that is what it was.
I went out to buffalo wild wings on Saturday so I could lose my mind watching a poorly played LSU game (clearly not a good year for Louisiana football) I ate a little and drank lots of water to pee out whatever bug was trying to kill me. A couple more days went on and I continued to feel sick. I would come home from work EXHAUSTED and wanting to hurl everything I ate that day. That was it. Mom had had it. She knew I was pregnant and she was going to convince me. I laughed and brushed it off and kept reminding her that it was impossible for me to be pregnant unless I had been pregnant for a while.
Persuaded by her own pregnancy experience, mom offered to take me to CVS to get a stick to piss on. Ugh. Fine. Ill pee on your little stick and prove to you there is no parasite growing inside of me. We ride over to CVS at 10 O'clock at night and discuss what we would do in different scenarios...well the only two scenarios. If I were to be pregnant I would laugh and point with an "I told you" like phrase. If I were... I would cry and quickly slit my wrists...vertically.
We walk in the store and debate where to even find these things. Mom's logic is that they are with the tampons and pads because you obviously don't need those things if you are knocked up. Her logic was right and we were faced with the many choices of pregnancy tests. Clear Blue, EPT, First Response CVS brand...geez. Which one was thebest cheapest? I mean you just pee on all of them and they pop up with a happy face for not pregnant and a sad face for pregnant right? They even have digital ones. No discerning between lines involved (which isn't that damn difficult). Words. They have fucking words. Just say pregnant or not pregnant.
We grab an EPT -/+ one and check out. On the car ride back home mom sucked me into a whole conversation about baby names and how I am not allowed to name my kid something ghetto. I'm not creative enough to make up a random ass name not to mention I would like to name my kid something that my Korean mother could actually pronounce. This conversation was all jumping the gun though because I knew I wasn't preggo despite mom's opinion.
I open the box and unwrap the test. I don't even have time to read the instructions because the professional pee on a stick resident was giving me verbal instructions on how to perform at my best. Thankfully I drank two bottles of water between the drive from Haughton to Bossier and back. I go to the bathroom alone (a rarity these days with 2 kids) and pee on the stick counting, "One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississipi, five. I put the stick on the counter and wash my hands. I walk out and bitch about waiting two minutes to read it. Mom and the bestie however ignore my bitching and run into the bathroom like tween girls seeing that One Direction band in the mall.
They stare at the stick and I slowly walk in behind them.
Minus sign!
Whoop whoop. Told ya suckas!
Disappointed the two walk away and the bestie says, "doesn't mean your not pregnant."
Ugh
"Are you pregnant?"
"No!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yep. I had two periods (since...well). I think I'm just dying."
"I had two periods when I was pregnant."
*Confused face* "Well, I'm not pregnant."
"Steph! Diamond's gonna have a baby!"
Ugh. I am never telling anyone I don't feel well again. The bestie was more than thrilled/entertained about this non-potential child and Mom...? Mom talked about me having little Harleigh bugs...something I never want...girls. Even Dad got in on it when I tried on a pair of my jeans that I hadn't worn in a few months that wouldn't go over my ass (I broke the zipper when I finally got them on) "Hips only spread like that for one reason!" Because of eating too much ice cream? Because I am sure that is what it was.
I went out to buffalo wild wings on Saturday so I could lose my mind watching a poorly played LSU game (clearly not a good year for Louisiana football) I ate a little and drank lots of water to pee out whatever bug was trying to kill me. A couple more days went on and I continued to feel sick. I would come home from work EXHAUSTED and wanting to hurl everything I ate that day. That was it. Mom had had it. She knew I was pregnant and she was going to convince me. I laughed and brushed it off and kept reminding her that it was impossible for me to be pregnant unless I had been pregnant for a while.
Persuaded by her own pregnancy experience, mom offered to take me to CVS to get a stick to piss on. Ugh. Fine. Ill pee on your little stick and prove to you there is no parasite growing inside of me. We ride over to CVS at 10 O'clock at night and discuss what we would do in different scenarios...well the only two scenarios. If I were to be pregnant I would laugh and point with an "I told you" like phrase. If I were... I would cry and quickly slit my wrists...vertically.
We walk in the store and debate where to even find these things. Mom's logic is that they are with the tampons and pads because you obviously don't need those things if you are knocked up. Her logic was right and we were faced with the many choices of pregnancy tests. Clear Blue, EPT, First Response CVS brand...geez. Which one was the
We grab an EPT -/+ one and check out. On the car ride back home mom sucked me into a whole conversation about baby names and how I am not allowed to name my kid something ghetto. I'm not creative enough to make up a random ass name not to mention I would like to name my kid something that my Korean mother could actually pronounce. This conversation was all jumping the gun though because I knew I wasn't preggo despite mom's opinion.
I open the box and unwrap the test. I don't even have time to read the instructions because the professional pee on a stick resident was giving me verbal instructions on how to perform at my best. Thankfully I drank two bottles of water between the drive from Haughton to Bossier and back. I go to the bathroom alone (a rarity these days with 2 kids) and pee on the stick counting, "One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississipi, five. I put the stick on the counter and wash my hands. I walk out and bitch about waiting two minutes to read it. Mom and the bestie however ignore my bitching and run into the bathroom like tween girls seeing that One Direction band in the mall.
They stare at the stick and I slowly walk in behind them.
Minus sign!
Whoop whoop. Told ya suckas!
Disappointed the two walk away and the bestie says, "doesn't mean your not pregnant."
Ugh
Very funny I find it even more comical that as I get to the end of all this there is a Zulily add for Maternity clothes... Good luck on remaining parasitic free.... They are a blessing but they can also be the devil... You will have to meet my youngest one day lol.
ReplyDeleteI actually like kids especially when they sleep at someone else's house!
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