Five Rambling Facts That My Facebook 'Friends' Don't Know About Me

I don't get into Facebook games. I quite frankly find them annoying, however, the things you may not know about me game was interesting. I actually learned some cool facts about people, but like I said, I don't do games on Facebook so I will play on this post.

Shit that no one cares to know, but out of sheer boredom you will read to find out anyway:

1. I once got paid $400 by Felix Jones to take a shot of something that knocked me on my ass until 5 O'clock the next afternoon. 
• It was his birthday and he said he would pay some girl $400 to take a shot. I looked around the room and realized I was the only one who went to college and accepted the challenge based on my experience in shot taking. After standing in line behind some women who immediately spit the unknown shot out, I was told that I should take a double shot. I confidently did so and don't remember anything else about that night except for the burn I felt in my chest. I woke up at home around 5pm the next day richer than I started. 
2. I don't like being touched. In fact, hugs freak me out and hand holding makes me sweat with nervousness. 
• I'm not sure why I don't like to be touched but my closest friends know this little fact about me. We had to go camp before clinic in school where we did a trust fall after telling some deep down secret of ours that usually ended in tears. We were all hot and sweaty as we were outside in DFW and it was my turn to fall. I did so and all of the catchers surrounded me for a group hug...all but Molly. My staff doctor told her to go give me a hug but she refrained telling him that I did not like them. I never appreciated her more as I tried to wipe off the sweaty hebegebees from being hugged by my classmates. 
3. The most invaluable gift that I ever received was a power drill.
• My roommate and I just moved into a small house and wanted to put up curtains in her room. We were unsure of how to do this as our last place of residence already had curtain rods installed above the windows. We were screwing our lives away (that's what she said) with no luck of the screw ever going into the wall. So I called a man of course to borrow some braun and bugged him on a daily basis to help us. To avoid helping he just bought me a power drill and left it at my doorstep. We still didn't know that we had to drill holes into the walls first so he ended up  doing in anyway and I still use that drill to this day.
4. My most outrageous dream is to move to Australia and own a Koala. 





Koala drinking bottled water. Cuteness overload


5. I have a sister who is 11 years younger than me and is the only person that I trust to keep a secret. 
• I got my bellybutton pierced when I was 18 just because my mom told me that I wouldn't. My dad threatened that if I got a piercing (belly or ear) he wouldn't pay for college (HEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLO scholarship). I showed my sister who was 7 at the time and made a child promise not to tell our dad. Surprisingly she never told my dad, I became a better role model, and we still giggle about that secret to this day. 

Potty Mouth

I hate public bathrooms. I can't stand them. Bacteria, pee, smells, blood (nasty women), poop... I just shuddered typing these words. I hate public restrooms.

I hate public restrooms so much that my first few months in Dallas, I refused to use the loo while on campus. My bladder was about to burst every time I arrived home after being at school from 7am to 5pm and sitting in traffic on loop 12. It got to be such a problem that I ended up with a urinary tract infection that I didn't know I had.

I was just nauseous and my back kind of hurt. I couldn't hold my head up I felt so sick. When I finally drove myself to a doctor I was given the bad news that I had a pretty bad infection and it was starting to effect my kidneys. The doctor lectured me about my wiping habits (as if I didn't know how to wipe after 24 years), peeing before and after doing the deed, and more relevantly, not holding my urine in my bladder for hours. She just didn't get it. I took microbiology in high school (shout out to Mr. Jones), college, and grad school. Has she never done those swabbing experiments? The things that grow on those petri dishes. *gags*

To make matters worse, my parents owned a cleaning service. I remember them inspecting a bathroom in a public library to see if their employees were properly doing their job. A black light does not belong in a bathroom. Just trust me on that one. And guys, seriously...is peeing on the walls absolutely necessary? Have you not learned to aim that thing yet? It has only been attached to you for, uhhh...I don't know...your whole life?

With all this said, I will use a public wash room if I absolutely, necessarily have to. But trust me, jumping a curb with my car to be behind a bank and pissing in the grass behind my car door guarding my assets will always take precedence over a public restroom (one of my prouder peeing moments...sadly) Once, at a rugby game in Ft. Worth, I had to pee like a Russian race horse (which by the way still makes no sense to me). We were at a public park and I knew that I would have to use a public restroom at some point especially because I started drinking at 10 that morning. To my surprise they only had porta potties. I had never used one nor was I planning to but this was a completely open field and I wasn't going to make it to the nearest restroom. Needless to say, I came out of the potty crying like a baby because my experience was so bad.

By now I have lost half of you, wondering what the fuck is this post actually about? Well, now that I live with kids and do shit with kids, and kids...especially girl kids have to use the restroom a lot, I do the public John more than I'd like. I know God put me in this situation because he thought it would be a comedy; I'm sure it is.

Cue toddler potty stories. 

When I graduated from school, Harleigh only wanted to spend her few short hours with me. That included going to the latrine. It definitely wasn't the best experience taking her to the bathroom in Twisted Root. I did however have a very proud moment when she lifted up her foot to flush the toilet. I don't know where she learned it or who she learned it from, but I appreciate a germaphobe. My happiness did not last long though as I saw her long flowing hair get closer to the toilet bowl. She lost her balance and I catch her. Oh. Em. Gee that could have been bad. We're gonna have to remember to wait until we are older to do that. 

Once we took the girls to the circus when it came to town and it was quite an interesting experience. First, I don't remember the circuses I've been to very well, but I am pretty sure that they weren't a Mexican talent show. I was so confused by what was happening. Harleigh told her mommy that she needed to go the bathroom, but she was clearly not in the mood to take the 3 year old in a pull-up on that journey. Annoyed I told her to come on. We walked up a gajillion stairs and went swiftly to the bathroom as to not miss too much of the show.

Before we walk in, I remind myself that the CenturyLink has some of the cleanest restrooms in town. Not only is that a fact, but there were no obnoxious drunk people there to miss the toilet or puke on the seats. I walk the small human being to the closest stall and when I get into the stall I realize how claustrophobic I am. There is just not enough room in those things for 2 people. Small or not. I bend down to help her with her pants and realize I am eye level with a public toilet. I just need to move as quickly as possible.

She gets on to the seat. Shit. I didn't think about that. She had to use her hands. Her hands have now touched hundreds of "Ratchet City's" nasty asses. I can't wait until she is tall enough to teach her to hover. She sits there and talks to me proceeding to put her hands on her face. "NO!" I scream. She's shocked. I said, "We don't touch our face in the bathroom." Dodged a nasty bullet there. She finishes up and goes to flush the toilet. Oh God No. I told her I could handle it and lifted my foot to flush the toilet and get out of that stall as swiftly as possible.

I lift baby girl up to wash her hands. She turns the knob, gets soap, and rubs her hands for 0.6 seconds. You're supposed to rub your hands through your ABC's. Totally unsatisfactory. She then turns the knob off putting those ass germs back on her hands. Sigh. She runs over to the paper towels, dries off her hands and is proudly ready to leave. I grab her arm. Say, "hold on", pull out my pink and glittery hand sanitizer and teach her a lesson on OCD.