How to Get a Man and Keep One

We all know that I have a gift in being in AWESOME relationships. So much so that I have been in an abundance of them!

This post is "ta' all my single ladies". The ones that bitch and moan about not having a man. I dedicate this to them in hopes that they will stop bellyaching on our Facebook news feeds. Are you ready ladies??! This is how to get a man and keep one, because I am so good at it!

Disclaimer: There are no guarantees on how long you will actually keep said man with this process. Results may vary.

How to Get a Man and Keep One:

• Be super smart! 
  
  Read books. Books = knowledge

• Drink like a fish

Come on, dont just stop at one glass, drink the whole fucking bottle. You're so much easier hotter when you do that!

• They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Learn how to cook and do that shit

If he is Canadian, Mac&Cheese will make him fall in LOVE

• Couples that play together stay together, so learn to work out

Plus, hard work pays off

• Leave things to the imagination. Wear lots of clothing

Or Not

• ALWAYS wear A LOT of make-up. You never know when a camera will be around. Especially yours

Kissy face is important but not as important as the duck face

• Take forever to get ready. You HAVE to look perfect!

They love watching you get ready. Seriously. It's sexy. Do it as long as possible

• Follow sports

No one has time to watch that shit especially when you are doing the bullet above. There is an app for that

• Be emotional. Guys aren't mind readers. They need to know how you are feeling

But mostly

• Be interesting. Make EVERYTHING dramatic

You're dream isn't to be a princess. It's to be the mother fucking queen. Be the damn queen!

• Get a hobby and share it! Shopping is a good one

That's right. Shop till you drop WITH HIM!

• Be super clingy. Guys like to know that they are wanted

The key is to hold on and squeeze and never let go. They don't need to do anything without you attached to them...literally.

There you have it. Follow these few rules and you'll have a guy in no time! Probably get married even!
As for the guys on your social media talking about finding a boo-thang, punch them in the gonads the next time you see them. We don't need them procreating more whiny men. No one wants to hear a guy bitching about not having a girlfriend. I barely want to hear it from girl.

Youre welcome,

Started From the Bottom

Dear Drake,

Stop. Just Stop.

-Me

Happy late Easter yall! I've been meaning to make this post for a while because well...this Drake guy annoys the living piss out of me. There should be a rule as to how many Canadian musicians are allowed out of that country at once. No offense Canada, but Justin Bieber and a Canadian rapper named Drake were the worst ideas ever. I mean, that doesnt even make sense-- Canadian rapper.

Let me be clear. I am not being a "hater." I just don't understand how someone like Drake is starting from the fucking bottom. If you have been living under a rock or you just don't listen to this crap called rap music you have absolutely no freaking clue what I am talking about. Let me bring you up to speed.

<--- That guy is Aubrey Drake Graham

<--- He used to play this wheelchair Jimmy guy on the show Degrassi in his younger days

















He is also to blame for the term YOLO (you only live once...as if I thought I was a fucking cat or something) and for this song:

For those of you who don't want to engage in the Tom foolery above here are the lyrics to the song:

[Chorus]
Started from the bottom now we're here
Started from the bottom now my whole team fucking here Where are we exactly?
Started from the bottom now we're here
Started from the bottom now the whole team here, nigga
Started from the bottom now we're here
Started from the bottom now my whole team here, nigga
Started from the bottom now we're here
Started from the bottom now the whole team fucking here

[Verse 1]
I done kept it real from the jump
Living at my mama's house we'd argue every month I lived at my mom's and argued too. Weird
Nigga, I was trying to get it on my own I'm still trying to get it on my own. I mean I live on my own...
Working all night, traffic on the way home Traffic. Tell me about it #Firstworldproblems
And my uncle calling me like "Where ya at?
I gave you the keys told ya bring it right back" My uncle lives states away so I guess you got me on this one
Now I'm on the road, half a million for a show
And we...

[Chorus]


[Verse 2]
Boys tell stories about the man Are we talking about the people that "are out to get" black people? Were there even slaves in Canada-land?
Say I never struggled, wasn't hungry, yeah, I doubt it, nigga Struggling in Canada is different from struggling here. They owe less money to other countries 
I could turn your boy into the man Dude does magic tricks now
There ain't really much I hear that's poppin' off without us, nigga The party don't start till you walk in? Ke$ha already claimed that
We just want the credit where it's due
I'ma worry about me, give a fuck about you Thats nice
Nigga, just as a reminder to myself
I wear every single chain, even when I'm in the house Do you feel like you are going to be robbed or something?
Cause we...

[Chorus]


[Bridge]
No new niggas, nigga we don't feel that
Fuck a fake friend, where you real friends at? I'm still trying to figure that out
We don't like to do too much explaining Most people don't
Story stays the same I never changed it
No new niggas, nigga we don't feel that
Fuck a fake friend, where you real friends at?
We don't like to do too much explaining
Story stay the same through the money and the fame At least you're consistent
Cause we...

[Chorus]

So what have we learned here? 

1. Drake lived a pretty decent life
• I mean yeah he was raised by a single parent, but who isn't these days?
2. Starting from the bottom in Canada-land is like starting half-way to the top in the states
• being a childhood actor on a popular show as a teenager does not equate starting from the so called bottom
3. If you actually started from the bottom, this song is probably highly offensive
• I'm offended and I only started lower than Drake. Not even close to the bottom

I would like to ask Drake to spend time in an orphanage before he ever utters the words, "started from the bottom" again. I would also like to say that this Easter holiday proved YOLO wrong. I'm pretty sure Jesus rose from the dead and lived more than once. Suck it Drake. Jesus lives =)