Black, Yellow, Red, and Itchy All Over.

Since starting Chiropractic school I keep hearing about this Universe business. "The laws of the universe say..."Oh Em Gee!! What is this Universe crap??!! Everyone kept telling me, "what you put out in the Universe, the Universe gives back to you." It is the law of Cause and Effect; For every action there is a reaction. So basically, if you think positively, positive things will happen. If you desire something, you will get that desire in effect. Thank GOD, all I ever desire is marrying Dirk Nowitzki. 

Love this power forward for The Dallas Mavs!

Maybe the Universe is confused...I also say that I want a Brazilian plastic surgeon with green eyes. Put those two desires together, and the Universe will apparently give you asshole after asshole. Anyway, I recently learned from my cray cray relationship friend...(I forgot. We can no longer call her that...I am proud to say that the cray cray relationship no longer exists. So, we will just call her an old nickname) Elle Woods that when you talk about someone, the Universe thinks that you want that person in your life and makes them magically pop up.

 

Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaa....that girl I talked about a couple blogs ago that used to be my best friend...ran into her in the Shreveport McAlisters after 2 years of not EVER seeing her OR living in the same city. Oh, and dick wad's mom...ran into her at the grocery store when I went home to see my parents. 

Lesson learned: don't confuse the Universe. 

I vow to only put positivity and my true desires out into the Universe especially, after last night. I did retail therapy yesterday and when I returned from my shopping extravaganza, my leg started to itch. My logic is, if you itch, take a shower...and I did. I was still feeling itchy and thought, "maybe my skin is dry"; I put on some lotion, threw on a Vicky's Secret night gown, and hopped in bed with the love of my life, my diagnostic imaging book. I STILL ITCHED! I just knew it was the lace on my night gown irritating my skin. Nope. The itch grew stronger and started traveling up to my torso then arms. Not to mention, I was starting to get little bumps from scratching.

By this point I couldn't take it. I was scratching like a dog with fleas on a hot summer day. I am not usually a fanatic of medicine seeing as I am a future chiropractor, but this needed some attention from my old friend Benadryl and his partner Cortisol 10. I made my trip to good ol' Wally World twitching and scratching like a crack head. In fact, the itch had made it up to my scalp. I forsaw this long night when I realized it was 11 o'clock, and I was sitting in my car rubbing hydrocortisone all over my body like a porn star rubbing lube, or oil, or whatever makes them so shiny, all over herself. Miserable.

What did I do? The only thing I knew to do. Go see a family member to take care of me. (When you go to Chiropractic school, you spend countless hours with people that you see more than your family and in turn becomes your new family). I get to my friend/ family's house and he doctors me up with some thoracic adjustments deep palpation (what a chiropractic student legally has to call and "adjustment"), ice, and water to take my Benadryl. I finally get drowsy and fall asleep flat on my back in anatomical position as to not establish any itching. The witching hour [<--reference The Exorcism of Emily Rose] arrived however, and I was in some intense pain. I tossed and turned for an hour when I realized the pressure from the bed and blankets made me welt up like no one's business. So guess where we went at 4 A.M.??

4 am trip to Texas Medical Center's ER

After criticizing the nurse's intelligence, we went into the coveted emergency exam room where I continued to stand in anatomical position. We were in there for a while continually scrutinizing the intelligence of the medical community and talking about what pictures to take for this blog. We got really bored and started messing with the equipment making it beep and trying to figure out how to shut that damn thing off. This room was fancy. It even had a pretty painting on the ceiling. 

Not sure if this is calming, or just plain creepy

Finally the doc came in, pretended to look in my ears and mouth, asked me if my rash was just on my legs (if he would have attempted to look at me, he would have seen it was on my arms and torso too), and then walked out. That was it. Didn't even give me his name. I felt like a cheap whore.

He returned 15 minutes later with my prescription for hives and sent me on my way. Don't piss on me and tell me it's raining!! It is 5 A.M., I'm itching like a mad man, not to mention in pain, and he only wrote me a scrip for a diagnosis that I already diagnosed myself with? I was looking forward to a steroid shot. I could have made an appointment with my regular doctor a few hours later if this was all he was going to do!!! But that isn't the best part. Just as we are leaving, I find out that I am not on my dad's family insurance like he led me on to believe. If I am gonna be paying for this visit out of pocket, I could at least get a shot right? Nope. My jack ass doctor, who goes by the name of Mark Lekas, (it was on my bracelet) told me that the prescriptions he wrote me were cheap and insisted that I leave without any care. That's medicine for ya. 

I just felt like I didn't have a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out. But, I'm alive and well and highly medicated. For now on, the Universe will only receive positive energy from me as to avoid any negative happenings. I can't take another chance on the recurrence of being black, yellow, red, and itchy all over. 

Women Are Crazy, Men Are Stupid

We meet again weekend!! This time my anxiety ridden dog came home with me. Her anxiety gives me anxiety. She hyperventilates the entire 5 hours while cute little Max is passed out in the backseat. I guess I would be anxious too, if my adopted sister "Papaya the Evil Cat" bitch slapped me this morning. 

Papaya was chillin in the window when one of her "friend's" came over to see how she has been since their escapade. I guess Kiwi didn't like that; And I feel her pain. While Kiwi and I were worried sick about Papaya's well being, that damn cat was gallivanting around in the neighborhood like she had no family. So when the kitty comrade came over to visit at the window, my puppy acted like a psychopath and almost broke through the glass to get him. In turn, Papaya got pissed at Kiwi for running off her homie and bitch slapped Kiwi with her pimp paw.                                                                               

10 seconds before the bitch slap.

Wake me up when we get there. 

I've been Facebook stalking a lot lately because the only things in Leesville there are to do is Facebook, Pinterest, study, cook/bake pins, and sleep. (I'm not sure about the grammar in that sentence) I noticed there are a lot of women out there that are angry at their man/ ex-man for cheating. That's absolutely fantastic with me since I am on a anything with a penis hating spree. Where I have a problem is when the dumb ass gets back with said cheating man and is pissed^10 at the "other woman". Where they do that at??? 

Take my situation for example. 

1. Did the girl know about me --- yes. 
2. Is that F'd up --- absolutely

But that girl was not toying with my emotions, sharing my money (or was she), eating my food and living under my roof. I was not invested in the hussy. So am I mad at the girl?? No, not really. You gotta "get in where you fit in". If you are a home wrecking slut, who am I to judge on your calling to be a Jezabel? I mean that is biblical. I'm not gonna mess with that shit. If you are genetically predispositioned to be an informal tart, more power to ya, go one with your bad self!

Whores come in all shapes, sizes, and class status. She can be a grammy winning artist with everything in the world and still want YOUR man.  

I have had several men message me and say that it is fucked up that I put my ex "on blast". But I figure, if he is going around telling everyone that I'm a crazy bitch, people need to know the reason why. So here is what you have been waiting for folks...the all telling text messages from the harlot that we call X-tina. 

So exciting right??

Taking deep breaths at this moment...

Tired of waiting??

Yes, I feel like a psychopathic crazy bitch sometimes. I have all of these messages memorized because I have read them over and over trying to piece everything together in my mind. I also still have these messages in my phone just incase I need to defend my crazy bitch-ness. So I will verbatim  type these out for you guys...with commentary of course! Warning!! Her text messages get kind of graphic, so if you feel like that is TMI just scroll to the bottom of this blog!!

Exhibit A

(757): Don't Worry, he'll be good. I'll continue to take care of him. - cristina

Sat, Dec 3, 2011, 6:49 AM

Me: Are you kidding me right now?

(757): No

Me: Why do you even have my number?

(757): Just in case..because he said u was dumb crazy.

When I saw this bitches name, I already knew who she was. She used to be all over his Facebook page that we used to argue about. And really?? I am about to be a doctor. Please use English. I don't understand your ebonics. 

Me: But I was worried that he wouldn't have anywhere to go or have anyone here. Had you let me know that you were going to be taking care of him earlier, I would have done this weeks ago. 

(757): We can not move into our apt yet...and the semester didnt end here yet. But we been flying back n forth seeing each other, i just left there 2 weeks ago. I dont think he lead u  on for any other reason than just for a place to stay fro the time being. I mean he did say he doesnt even touch u and hasnt had sex with you in months. 

Ok...so to spare you all the intimacies of my relationship I will say this, who lives with someone in a one bedroom apartment and shares the same bed, but is NOT sleeping with them? I need her to get a brain of her own. 

(757): Lol ok..he said it sucks. And when ya'll used to do it ..he would have to think about me to get his dick hard.

^^ I guess that makes it ok that YOUR man is sleeping with someone else as long as he thinks about you?? Bless your heart. You were made for him. 

(757): He said he cant even remember the last time, because u cant even turn him on. Lol btw he proposed not to long ago. We've planned our 2nd baby. 

I told her that he was lying to the both of us...she was being delusional. And the second baby thing...from what I hear she used to run around saying she was pregnant by dude. So I guess this baby would be their second one. *shrugs shoulders*

(757): I know hes been lying to u..everybody does, even his mom. She been knew aboutme and him..and our plans. But as far as ya'll messin around, i highly doubt it.

This is the point where I text message his mom these messages because when I talked to her on Wednesday, she was appalled to find out her son was cheating on me. And she is stupid. His mom knew about me. Were from the same damn town, I went to his house all the time and talked with her, helped her out with stuff, and she sent me a gift for my birthday. 

(757): Also that..hes not attracted to u because u arent ligh skin, have no ass or boobs. And that u were always negative and annoying...just stuff he used to say.

Me: And as far as that other stuff...he knew that about me before he EVER decided to date me since he has known me since I was 15. So that's stupid  on his part to commit to me, and move to Dallas? I mean the stuff you're saying I already know. Am I supposed to just get insecure about it or something? This is me and there are an enormous amount of people that love me for ho I am...when I'm sweet, or a little fireball.

(757): He didnt have no where to go..he thought it was gonna be different. He called me everyday.

Me: It's not like I haven't been able to get a man...and more that that its not like I haven't been able to get a man who can actually take care of me and not use me.

(757):  Im just sayin he was basically using u for a place to stay until the BAH kicked in..thats all

Pause. (I know, I continued this conversation way too long with this girl. But if I didn't this would be less entertaining. You're welcome.) He moved like a million miles away from his kids because he just needed a place to stay? And obviously he was using me. Stop repeating yourself. I'm not an idiot!

(757): I know ya'll were together but he said ya'll didnt have sex SINCE oct. He came to va and stayed the weekend at my house. He brought 2 shot glasses..and when icamer there like 2 weeks ago we staed at the NYLO in Plano..he put candles everywhere, bought moscato and wine glasses, got baby oil and gave me a gull body massage everynight. And went to some mall i think it called northpark? He talked about how much u irritated him and how you would ask to have sex with him but he turned you down all the time. U can add me on fb if you want...Cristina *****

OK... So he was lying to her as much as he was lying to me. "I know y'all were together" can't even be mad. She has the anatomy of a slut and she wanted to use her God given ability I guess. And wasn't he supposed to be taking care of some business for his kids that weekend in Virginia? No good bastard. And those nights in Plano, he went to Arkansas with his home boy. So yup, she def has the dates right. She isn't lying. I got what I wanted, closure. And can we discuss the last line? You want me to add your bitch ass on Facebook? Where they do that at??

I have no reason to lie to this girl, but apparently she didn't believe me. She must have felt a little insecure about it because then she started forwarding me his text messages where he is denying everything.

FWD: I didn't fucking sleep with her today, What the fuck. I don't give a fuck what that bitch say. I gave u her number. If I wanted to keep u from talking to her I wouldn't have gave u her number. I want you and thats it. bitches come at me all day long. I turn them all down all I want is you. call that bitch and tell her everything fuck her feelings. from, pics to visits and everything...to you moving down here and all .

My experience is when a person gets that mad about being lied on, they AREN'T being lied on. Just saying. But I will say, he is good...and she is more vapid than me. So I am fully done with this conversation. I congratulate her and tell her "now you don't have to be a secret, your relationship can get better from here. I don't know what else you want me to say." But she still persists with non-pertinent information. "Its not nothing new, we were together when he was in va..we had an apt, but then i was going thru alot, so i broke it off and he had no where to go." <---weird because I seem to recall that he had some place to go, he cousins house, where I went to visit. I've got pictures. But that's all irrelevant now. 

Conclusion: If I am a crazy bitch, I have many a reason to be. And if I want to bash the bastard in Facebook statuses and blogs, he deserves it. All I can say is if he was cheating on me with some loose woman in Virginia, who was he cheating on the two of us with in Dallas? 

So ladies, don't get mad at the other women for they know not what they do. Its their calling. They can't help it. And finally...“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.” - George Carlin

The Only Thing I Can Run

While talking to childhood bestie, I realized how hard it is for me to keep up any kind of relationship other than that with my family. Alright you caught me, even those relationships aren't the best. My realtionship with my mother is awful; Judge me AFTER you have a Korean mother who pretends to understand what you are saying by nodding her head when in all actuality she has not a single clue what the words coming out of your damn mouth really mean.

I know, she is cute as hell right?!

Growing up, I heard the word dictionaria (<-- yes, that is how she says dictionary) more times than the librarian at the New York public library. There are a lot of Asians running around in New York, so I'm sure they heard the term "dictionaria" on several occasions. I couldn't even be a normal rebellious teenager. I would tell my mom, "whatever" and she would respond with, "Whateber? Whatsa whateber mean?" Yes, I would be the girl that failed at disrespecting her own parent. That is probably why she thinks Im such a sweetheart--she never knew when I was insulting her. If my mom had her own mental Korean English dictionary, she would truly realize what a mean little shit she raised.

This misunderstanding is what leads to our unpleasant mother daughter relationship. I yell in English, she yells in Korean. This is probably why I hate arguing. I always believed no one ever won an argument so it was pointless to do so. When you are arguing in two totally different languages though, the aimlessness increases ten fold. I know what you are about to say, "Diamond, stop being a little bitch and learn Korean." No one ever thinks I am the victim here. EVER. I know enough Korean to understand my mothers rants and conversations. In fact, I know how to read and write that shit. I took classes.

If you are going to get offended by my racist comments, you should probably stop reading. There is nothing I can't stand more than a person that immigrates to this damn country and refuses to learn the fucking language of the land. I mean, give me a break, she has lived here for 26 years! Surrounded with English spoken by her daughter, her husband, the cashiers at Walmart, and telemarketers! There is no way, none, whatsoever, that she shouldn't  have a pretty decent vocabulary. When my mom gets frustrated with me because she doesn't understand, she asks me to speak to her in Korean. I politely remind the women that has surrounded herself by every Korean person imaginable in Leesvile, that WE LIVE IN AMERICA!! She has done herself an injustice by not venturing out and obtaining English speaking friends. And God forbid she gets a disease like Alzheimer's. I will ship her in a box back to Korea so fast...

I guess she is waiting for the day that Korean will be as popular and as cool as Mexican. Ugh, I can't tell you how annoyed I was working in retail and having elementary schooled children interpret for their parents. You mean to tell me that you have been in America long enough to have your child go to school here and be completely fluent in the language, but you can't even tell me what you need help with? And then WE as Americans need to adopt the language. I have no problem learning multiple languages, but if it is so I can accommodate some lazy fuck from coming over here and refusing to learn the language you've got me twisted.

And that is my rant about my mother. HAHAHA I love the woman I really do. She is the only mother I have and if I could give her the world I would. That's just the type of person I am. Overly loving. That's why my relationship with the opposite sex never works out either. There are usually two girls in the picture, me and someone else...not that I know that at the time. The other girl is always the "better catch" and since she is, she is usually taken or realizes her worth and won't give this guy the time of day. I am a good second choice though. Super sweet, cute, smart, and damn it...I'm gonna be a doctor one day. That alone makes guys see $$$ and an awesome lifestyle. When I love, I give it my all and that is awesome for the guy who still can't help but wonder what life would be like with the other girl. They usually find out 99.99% of the time. I end up a little angry, but hey, were all friends. All of us except dick wad. His infidelity took it to another level.

That leaves my friendshits. I don't have a lot of them because, well, they just don't work out. You think a girl is going to be your best friend forever and they just prove to be a selfish lying bitch 2 years later. Take the little chick that was dating my heart -- the little brother. While he was away playing basketball, she was busy cheating on him with this guy that she would bring to my house everyday and have me hang out with them so things wouldn't look suspicious. (If you haven't realized this by now...I am oblivious to everything going on around me.) Well anyways, when new friend, soon to be roommate, figured out what was going on, the sneak finally told me the truth and asked me not to tell. So I didn't. I was pissed, but it wasn't my business to tell. Then this skank proceeds to call my actual best friend at the time and tell her that I have been talking about her (I'm pretty blunt, I have no time to talk about people). So she essentially "breaks up" with me. That is when I learned that the best thing liars know how to do is lie...and to never trust a 4'11 Nicaraguan as far as you can throw them...which is futher then most, but you get the cliche'. In fact, I told childhood bestie that I am pretty sure that I am done with my run of hispanic girlfriends, but those are different stories for different times.

Halloween with who used to be my best friend and the untrustworthy skank.

So yea, my realtionships with most people suck. I'm hoping to have a better relationship with my patients one day *fingers crossed* hence why I am going to hire an awesome front desk girl to mask my personality flaws. Until then I can keep using my outlets...running and blogging. Alright, who am I kidding? The only thing I can run is my blog.

I Hate Peanut Butter

It was hard for me to blog tonight because I have been so distracted! I am the most frugal person in the world except for when it comes to shoes. Love shoes. I have a lot of shoes. In turn, I have no cable. It's unnecessary for a chiropractic student. I do however, have internet. As much as it is a necessary for a student to have internet, it is highly unnecessary to being productive. It gives you access to everything. Thank you Al Gore!! 

I mean, my happy ass likes to shop online, communicate with friends online, listen to music online and most importantly, watch tv online. You see, Hulu is an amazing thing. I pay $7 a month and watch all the shows that everyone else watches minus sports. That is the only downfall....I can't watch Dirk (I am the future Mrs. Nowitzki), and I can't watch LSU football. Buuuuuuut, I can watch Pretty Little Liars, House, and The Lying Game the day after they air. Good deal right?? Well, The three awesome shows I named, they all air on Monday. So on Tuesday I have a lot of catching up to do!! Hence my highly distracted situation. 

Hulu, is definitely not what I want to really tell you about though. I want to tell you guys about my comical text messaging experience I had with childhood bestie. Remember how I told you that texting is the worst form of communication (the number 2 killer to all relationships)?? Well here is why:

CHB: Black ppl are called ghetto, white ppl are trashy, Mexicans are dirty...what are Asians? 

Me: Love you long time? 

CHB: No lol like low class dirty Asians are commonly called what??   

Me: Happy endings? 

Me: IDK? What? 

Me: Low class and Asian is an oxymoron 

CHB: Uugghh this isn't a joke or riddle you are supposed to figure out asswipe!!! 

CHB: Lmfao!!!! I don't fucking know I was asking YOU!!! 

CHB: This soooo needs to be posted of fb I'm dying laughing!!!! 

Me: At this conversation?  

Me: I was being so serious!

We need to pause. I am currently catching up on House and typing at the same time. Meanwhile, my new upstairs neighbor's kid is banging on some drum or something. I want to go upstairs and chastise the kid (dramatic? yes), I generally like kids...but this one is loud all the damn time. (I know, don't have kids Diamond. I'm getting to that point) She cries a lot....in the middle of the night. UGH. If I wanted to be a mother, I would have gotten knocked up by douche bag and been an awesome single mother wondering where my child support his like his ex-wife. BUT I am not, so I am slightly annoyed. I only want to hear the sound of my typing and the television. Is that so much to ask? I now instantly regret ever buying Jacobee (my friend's son) that noise making instrument toy his first Christmas when I was in high school. I thought it was funny at the time. Now?? I know better. Back to the convo:

CHB: True definition of miscommunication!! 

CHB: I'm asking you a serious question and you fucking reply with "love you long time." like wtmf 

Me: It looked like a punchline was coming! 

CHB: Lmfao!!!!! No bitch. 

What did I tell you people?! WORST FORM OF COMMUNICATION. It's a pretty sad thing. And I am about to sound like an old grandma, but Alexander Graham Bell (I am not good at history, forgive me if this is the wrong guy) invented the phone to bring us together. Little did he know that one day people would have blue lights flashing on their ears and appear to be talking to themselves. And even worse...that people would someday skip verbal conversations, talk to a robotic woman named Syri (coolest app ever), to text message a person an entire fucking conversation.

In a loud club, sometimes texting is the only form of communication...aside form your ass shaking

Dear fellow blog readers. If you have a text messaging feature, please note the following:

• No one wants to read a novel in text message. That is what Barnes & Nobles or a subscription to Cosmo is for. 
• Text messaging short hand like, ILY, GN, WYD would probably make Graham say "FML OMG WTF IDK SMH?"
• Punctuation is important. It conveys feelings.
• Sending the text "call me" when you have yet to attempt to call the person yourself is stupid. YOU call me bitch!
• Autocorrect...Its dangerous. You find out what kind of words that person really types on a daily basis. 
• Sometimes using the grammar you learned in school is practical. It helps the person figure out what in the hell you are trying to say. 
• Be careful when you are talking shit about your friend. For some reason, typing their name in a text ALWAYS makes you type their name in the recipient box. They will no longer be your friend. 
• The proper use of punctuation is important. It conveys feelings.
• You can't REALLY hear the other person's voice in a text message even though you think you can. That's YOUR voice. 
• Some pictures are inappropriate. I feel like I don't need to elaborate on this
• Breaking up with someone over text messaging just makes the texter look bad. Grow some balls.
• Punctuation is important. I really CAN'T hear your voice! I have no idea how you are really saying something. GIVE ME A HINT!

So yes when you send me a text like, "dog went to water and gone PHM" don't get mad because I can't figure out what the hell you are saying. Call me. 

I am not saying that I am the innocent party here. I only know the rules because I once was/ am guilty. I am the pot calling the kettle black, preaching to the choir, and all the other hypocritical cliches you can come up with. The only point I am trying to make is that texting is full of miscommunications. It leads to arguements, break ups, damaged friendships, drunken sex, and a hell of a lot of confusion. Sometimes it is just better to combine your words with your voice and call a person...unless your mute or deaf. In that case I apologize for being a inconsiderate bitch.

I have horrible text ettiquete anyway. I'm always doing something other than responding to the text. Half the time I respond to it in my head and just never physically type the letters. If it is around 6 o'clock p.m., don't text me. Im usually cooking and listening to Lil Wayne. Speaking of, here was tonight's dinner - Crockpot Hawaiian chicken with asparagus.

Don't judge my dining. I was watching Pretty Little Liars!

The recipie is in my cookin' slow board on my Pinterest. The glass of Pinot Grigio went perfectly with my sweet chicken meal and marathon TV watching, especially because Beringer makes some unusually strong Pinot. And this week I gave myself a special surpise. DESSERT!!!

Frozen Banana Bites. You know where to click!! --> here

Dinner was fantastic and I had very little text interruption during my observance of fantastic television. My dad understands the concept of calling and respecting my TV obsession and I was highly grateful. I would never complain about any dessert; however, I would probably use less peanut butter and more chocolate in my banana bites the next time because, well, I hate peanut butter.

Leftovers

When you drive five hours every Friday and Sunday you have a lot to think about and a shit ton of radio to listen to. Justin Moore was doing an interview on the radio where he explained the inspiration to "Bait a Hook". (Please click that link to listen to this hilarious song if you haven't heard it yet!!) He said his inspiration was the obvious. You know, finding out your ex moved on...you compare yourself to the new significant other where you ALWAYS come out to be the better catch? Yea. He also went on to say that when a girl finds out her ex moved on, she Facebook stalks the new girl. Her and her girlfriends then talk shit about this girl calling her fat and ugly even if she "looks like Shania Twain". Damn it. Guilty!!! Though, for the record, I really do think that my exes downgrade. LOL

Guilty

Guilty again

Anyways, this got me to thinking...how in the HELL did I ever date these guys when they like "those" kind of girls. Obviously I was just way out of their league or something right? *Sigh* So then I started having a conversation with myself. A complete conversation. The kind where you answer your own questions conversation. But don't completely think I'm a psycho and start judging. I had Max the dog in the car with me. He was definitely listening. 

You caught me. He wasn't really listening

I started self therapy. I remembered that my bastard ex told me that I had no type. That all my boyfriends were absolutely completely different from one another and that THAT was a dangerous quality to have. I'd like to say that I have a type...but I'm also not too picky when it comes to physicality. If you are of the opposite sex and have one of the following, I'll probably be interested in dating you:

• Amazing tattoos <--everybody loves a bad boy.
• A gorgeous set of green eyes <-- I could look into green eyes forever.
• A hot accent <-- have you heard Gerard Butler talk? Gah...I could melt.
• NBA status tall <-- genetically this is great because I don't want short kids.
• A breathtaking smile <-- the kind that makes you blush and smile back.
• Incredible intelligence <-- I like to have conversations every now and then.
• An uncanny ability to dance <-- well then you know what else they're good at ;)
• Washboard abs <-- because I don't have a washer.

Self therapy remember? This is the time I realized, "Oh my God!! I don't have a type!!!" So I am FREAKING out as I'm driving on I-20 because I have no type. I'm fucking defective. Great. 

Ideally, my type would be a gorgeous foreign man with a great set of arms, green eyes, tan, and accent. Accent...really important. This would be the perfect man. But God doesn't make perfect people...except Jesus of course. Gosh, Jesus must have been HOT! So here I am with no type, unless you call douche bag a type. Even that isn't right though. I've dated a couple of good guys...but the demise of those was my fault and I'll take the blame. BLAME ME!!!

After picking Kiwi up and letting her be pissed that I brought her brother Max to Dallas for a 5 day trial run, I decided to turn on the tube and catch up on Private Practice while eating amazing left over steak, fries, and drinking a Bud Light. Then my new "type" popped up. Ladies and gentlemen, Stephen Amell.

Episode 11...but episode 12 starts with his shirt off. I recommend that episode first.

I told Molly that I was in love with him, wanted to marry him and have lots of babies, mostly because that entails a lot of sex with him.

Best Part is, he doesn't have the qualities of the guy in my last blog. He needs no clothes. *whispers* He looks amazing naked.

So, I am pretty sure that I lost ALL my male readers. Well, my straight male readers. One because this blog wasn't as entertaining to read as my others and two because I have a picture of a half naked man on here. Sue me. 

So...What have learned here? My dog hates me for bringing another dog in our household. Oh, most importantly, I have no type and most men are fair game. I will probably end up like Addison on the show, successful doctor, single, with a barren uterus. For now I will indulge in my single life and enjoy the fact that I now have leftovers. 

Cuter than a Basket Full of Puppies

I wasn't going to post anything this weekend but my controversial Facebook status inspired this one. I swear Facebook sets you up for failure. First of all, it asks you, "What's on your mind?" And anybody who knows anybody that knows anybody who knows me (my sister's cousin's brother's best friend's grandma) KNOWS I will say what is on my damn mind. I blame it on the decreased function of my basal ganglia A.K.A. that filter that everyone has...yea, mine sucks.

Either Facebook causes problems in your relationship with your significant other (it is the number 2 killer to a relationship following text messaging) or it causes conflict in your relationship with a few of your 1000 some odd "friends". Social networking is bullshit. 7% of communication consists of words. I wiki'd it. That means everything else is non-verbal. So, since I can't Skype my fucking Facebook status, someone out there is ALWAYS gonna take it the wrong way.

How I feel about said people:

• Get the hell over it
• Delete me bitch

I mean come on!!! It is Facebook people. It really doesn't dictate life. Example: If I put that I am engaged to a girl on Facebook, it could mean that I either, moved to one of the six states in which gay marriage is legal, OOOORRRR I just put that I am engaged to my girlfriend for shits and giggles. But sweet baby Jesus, some idiot is going to tell me congrats on my changed relationship status. For all of you idiots (who probably aren't idiots they just happen to NOT be real life friends) out there...unless you see a picture of the ring on Facebook...it's probably for shits and giggles. 

I know, I know...by now you are getting really antsy about what I put on my status or you minimized this page to go stalk my status updates. But I'm not ready for that yet. I still want to bitch about social networking and the people that use them. It's funny because we all would like to think that we are unique individuals, but were not. Were all humans with the same damn tendencies. You probably fall into one of these Facebook user categories:

• The Facebook Stalker <-- You do just that. Then you call your girlfriend up to talk about so and so getting knocked up
• The Negative Nancy <-- You use Facebook as your outlet to bitch about every little fucking thing you hate about your life. Get a therapist. 
• The Attention Whore <-- You leave open ended statuses so people can ask you, "what's wrong?"   and or you take pics of yourself all day and post them waiting anxiously for people to comment. My favorite: *posts picture* caption - I look so bad without makeup...Really bitch?
• The Jesus Freak <-- Your status is a positive encouraging status and or bible verse (I like these people when I am having a bad day)
• The Captain Obvious <-- Your status tells us what you are doing every second of the day. Ex - "I'm breathing!" *10 minutes later* "Still breathing!"
• The Random Ranter <-- That would be me. You say random things that usually stir up some kind of drama.

Ok. I've made you wait long enough. 

I ended with my favorite comment. There are more, but as you know, I am pretty lazy and don't feel like taking more screen shots. Moral of the story...Don't really put whats on your mind unless you are ready for your phone to buzz off the hook because you have a million notifications on who liked your status or comments AND the 28 comments that were made in response to your status. 

In lighter news, I've been needing my haircut for a while. I however, am deathly afraid of new stylist in my hair. So Molly found a wonderful deal on Living Social for a $39 deep conditioning and haircut with a master stylist at Jekyll & Hyde Transformation Salon. I was pleased with my haircut and happy to help out a small business! If you decide to go, you will probably pass it up twice like Molly and I did because the location of the salon is a little sketch. The girls were super nice though and did a good job with our hair! So click the link to get you a haircut and be cuter than a basket full of puppies!!!

The bangs are bangin' and my hair is so soft!

Louisiana humidity sucks but my bangs still look good!

The More Boys I Meet, The More I Love My Dog

I noticed that my friends and I have a serious problem: We attract the worst men. One of my favorite songs is by The Wreckers. I feel like it is the story of my relationship life. Literally, only CrAzY people fall in love with me. Tonight, I dedicate this blog to all of the horrible guys we have ever dated. From the one hit wonder dates to the awful long term relationships. 

The Wreckers - Crazy People

I had this epiphany when I was trying to save my friend from her volatile boyfriend. I must admit, the volatile boyfriend story is a hilarious one, but not mine to tell. I will say this about their relationship, that shit cray. It is so cray cray that I decided that I need to blog about all the qualities in a man who is NOT marriage/ relationship material.

Cray cray relationship friend has dated some interesting guys. From backpackers to doctors each one being an inadequate counterpart for her lifestyle. My favorite guy however, was one of my friends. It was pretty unfortunate that the relationship didn't work out. He was perfect. Super sweet and her parents loved him. But have you ever heard of someone being too perfect? That was him. It was quite annoying. But that's not the topic here tonight. Tonight we are talking about all the imperfections that should send signals to your brain to stay away...no matter how far in a relationship you are in. I don't care if you have been dating for 5 years. You see one of these flags...run!

RED flags:

• he chases you in your car flashing his bright lights and trying to run you off the road because he wants to "talk". <-- that shit cray
• he goes on a "business trip" and says that it will be too loud to call you all weekend; He MIGHT text you, but he could go the whole weekend without communicating with you. <-- that nigga cheatin'
• After chasing you because he wants to "talk" he blows your phone up and proceeds to send you texts that start off angry then convert to concerned pleading. <-- hot head
• he starts taking his 45 minute phone calls outside in his car. <-- cheater cheater
• he defines to you who a stalker really is <-- stalker
• he explains to you that he isn't the scary one, that you are actually the scary one, but your'e a girl so that makes you less scary. <-- be afraid of him
• he works overtime and still manages to have NO money to take you out, buy you anything, or help out with bills <-- some other bitch is gettin' the $$
• he only takes you out at night where there are no people around when you fly across the country to visit him. <-- he has a girlfriend 
• he gets pissed at you because you want to leave his house since you are hungry and he has no food <-- control issues
• he all the sudden has to work the weekend of a wedding that y'all have been planning on going to for a year even though his job only works on weekdays <-- you gave him the opportunity to plan something with someone else

So ladies, take it from my collaboration of red flags that I have noticed in just the last relationship my friend and I have been in...well she still resides in hers, but that's a long story. I could probably go all night with red flags, but I have class at 7am. Feel free to comment with red flags. They will be useful when and IF I start dating again. With my luck of men, I just feel like the more boys I meet, the more I love my dog.

"I'll High-five to that!"